


Aloha

by xIAmAlsoAWe



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Afghanistan, Angst, CIA, F/M, Gay Relationship - Background, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangle, McRoll - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunion, Romance, U.S. Navy SEALs, post-season four
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:23:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4095556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xIAmAlsoAWe/pseuds/xIAmAlsoAWe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been over a year since Catherine stayed in Afghanistan to find Najib; over 9 months since she chose to stay and told him to move on. So, he did. But when he learns of her connection with the CIA & capture by the Taliban, the truth unravels. She's in Hawaii and he's determined to make things right. He only wishes he didn't have to hurt Ellie to make his life feel tangible again</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The past Halloween episode means that Catherine has been gone for like half a year. I really hope she comes back, though I highly doubt it. :( Maybe she can guest star in the future. I just hope that Ellie isn't Steve's new love interest. Or else I'm going to stop watching the show. Or I'm only going to watch for Kono and Adam.
> 
> Also, the hundredth episode. Wow. That was a rollercoaster ride. The whole Wo Fat thing was a little too desperate to wrap up the Wo Fat arc, but the components – acting, directing, editing, cinematography – were really strong. The writing, ehhh. I fangirled over the mention of Catherine though. And the snippets at the end when they added some of the past scenes with Michelle Borth.
> 
> Still, she could've been there.
> 
> Also, loved how they added in old characters too.
> 
> P.S: This author's note was written a couple of months ago. And this has been in my hard drive since forever, I just needed to get everything right before I posted it.
> 
> P.P.S: (Inside Job) Steve and the rest of the team wouldn't just forget about her like that. Or toss her aside like that. The writers need to get their shit together. And so do the execs. Michelle Borth is justified in what she tweeted in reply. People shouldn't get punished just because they speak the truth.
> 
> P.P.P.S: I really hope that Steve and Ellie don't get together. But I know that my wish is futile. :'( Plus, they promised us closure on Steve and Cath's relationship and as much as I despise it, I expect closure because Catherine would never just leave Steve like that. The hell?
> 
> Anyways, enough of my rambling. Let's get this started. Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or the characters.
> 
> *Originally posted on FF.net*

It's about 5:30 in the morning and he's standing barefooted on the shoreline of the beach behind his home as he looks into the horizon – the sun slowly creeping its way up to the surface revealing a palate of color within the sky.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

He can feel the Earth's rotation beneath his feet and he's in love with this feeling. It's amazing and indescribable and he usually can't get enough of it, but tonight….

Tonight is distracting and unnerving and broken and all he wants to do his scream at the world at how unfair it is, but he's not because all he can see is  _her_. And he doesn't want to see her because she is currently breaking his heart and shattering it into a million pieces.

He's been in the Navy for almost his whole adult life and has dealt with various methods of torture, sometimes for days or weeks at a time, but this – whatever  _this_  is – is more painful than he's ever encountered. He was trained to be tough and to never let emotions compromise his being, but that's impossible to do because she smashed the brick wall that he built two times over around his heart and set up permanent base there.

He's lived alone most of his life and he's never been dependent on anyone but himself. But when he was with her, he didn't mind having someone by his side; someone that knew him better than he knew himself and accepted him. Flaws and all.

Frustratingly, he kicks the wet sand underneath his feet repeatedly until he sees a large shell in the hole he unintentionally dug. He plops down on the sand and picks up the shell that's shown itself through his ministrations. He pries it open with his and finds a small little pearl – it's glassy and beautiful - on its soft body. He closes the shell and tosses it back into its rightful place in the ocean. He fingers the pearl between his callous fingers and it reminds him of  _her_ ; small, beautiful, and delicate, but in the end, so much more.

_He can't give up. He's never given upon anything in his life, so why start now? McGarretts aren't quitters._

He contemplates calling her, but quickly decides against it. Instead, he grabs his car keys and stuffs the pearl into his pocket in hopes to clear his head.

**.**

Work had been slow. No new cases meant old paperwork.  _Lots_  of old paperwork. And Steve wasn't the paper pushing type. He was more of a doer; a go-getter. He rubs his eyes with his index finger and thumb with a sigh as he slowly comes to a stop at a red light.

Every second that wasn't occupied with something had him thinking about Catherine. That's why he had dived into his work. As of late, he was the first one to arrive at Five-0 headquarters and the last to leave. Danny had asked him about it, but he had just made an excuse saying that he wanted to get all his paperwork done on time. He knew that Danny saw right through it, but he really didn't care.

He stayed as late as he could because he didn't want to go home to an empty house. Going home meant solitude. And the solitude that his house offered him always resulted in him eventually associating everything in him house to Catherine and that fact that his house wasn't home anymore. Home had been anywhere as long as Catherine was by his side. All that had changed now.

His eyes drift to the picture sticking slightly out from between his truck's ceiling and the sun visor. Slowly, he slips it out of its snug place and holds it delicately in his hands. Seeing no one coming up from behind him in his rear view mirror, he put his car in park.

Right in the middle of the street and stopped at a red light.

He had taken it impulsively and without warning. He had sat on one of the Adirondack chairs on the beach behind his home and watched as Catherine took her morning surf. She was coming out of the water clad in a purple bikini with her surfboard tucked underneath her arm, the tail being dragged across the sand, and her hair wet from the waves. She was looking off somewhere else, probably at the sky, and she looked beautiful – as always.

She had called him about two months ago. She had told him that she might not be able to reach him for a while, that she had found a lead on Najib, and to not worry about her. He had told her he'd try and she had told him that she loved him. He had told her he loved her too with a Cheshire cat smile unbeknownst to her. A few weeks later, she had called again and Steve had been nervous and excited all at once; expecting her to say that she finally found Najib and that she was coming home.

Half of that had been true.

When she had told him that she had found Najib, he had been ecstatic. It felt as if a million pounds were suddenly lifted off of his shoulders.

She was coming home. Cath was coming _home_  and they would finally-

 _"Steve, I'm not coming home."_ She had said. And then all of his enthusiasm had suddenly disappeared in a moment's notice. A feeling of dread, confusion and despair washed over him like a stormy wave. Suddenly, his throat clenched and he wasn't able to speak. He wasn't able to breathe either. His stomach felt like a bottomless pit. It was as if time had stopped. His heart lurched in his throat as she said her next words,  _"I found my place here, Steve. It's where I belong."_

When he didn't say anything, she explained further, trying to add reason into her decision,  _"I'm protecting the village. I'm protecting it so that this sort of thing doesn't ever happen again. Najib's father is dead, Steve. I can't let any other kid here go through what Najib and his mother did."_ He had imagined her smiling when she said,  _"I'm teaching them math and science and English; I'm making a difference."_  Little did she know, Steve's heart was being shattered to a million pieces as she talked. It still broke, even now when he knew that he was never going to see her again.

And just like that, she had admitted,  _"It's not forever, but I'm going to be here a while. I-I think it'd be best if you move on, Steve."_  He had heard her voice crack.

_'She still loved him. He could argue with her that this was insane. That she should come back home; come back to him.'_

After a few very long moments, he had finally mustered up all his strength to say something, albeit it was pathetic. "Come home."

_"Steve-"_

Suddenly, he had found his voice again. "Cath, please. I need you here. I-I don't know how to be me wi-without you."

 _"Steve…"_  Catherine voice had trailed off and he could hear the crack in her voice that she was desperately trying to hide.

"Catherine, please." He begged her.  _He needed her._

For a moment, she had been silent, but just as quickly, she found her voice. The next words out of her mouth had broken his heart even further.

_"You're Steve McGarrett, 'smooth-dog'; ladies' man, Navy SEAL, top of your class at Annapolis, head of the Governor's task force in Hawai'i. And an all-around bad ass. You're you all on your own; you don't need me, Steve; you never have."_

He had replied almost pleadingly, "You don't seriously believe that."

When she didn't respond, he kept talking in hopes to convince her that she was making a mistake, "How can you say that?  _You_  were the thought that kept me from losing my mind while I was stuck in those god-awful places during missions – you brought me  _home._   _Your_ voice was the one that was in my head when I wanted to give up.  _You_  were always the one to encourage me to do my best.  _You_ were the one to console me when my father died; – you were  _always_  there –  _you_  make me who I am."

After another moment of silence, Steve had continued on, "You're all I have Catherine – you're the  _only_  one I have. And the only one I  _need."_

The other end of the line was still silent. He though she had hung up on him. "Cath?"

She had quickly responded back, her tone more reverent this time.  _"I love you, Steve. With all my heart, I love you, but I can't go back. I can't go back knowing that I could change these kids' lives. Steve, you're the only one I have ever loved and as hard as this may be, I'm going to be gone for a long time. All I wish for you is your happiness, Steve. And if you can find happiness with me of all people, you can find it with someone else."_

Steve had been shocked at her words and he still was. "How could you even say that?! You're the most beautiful, intelligent, courageous, and genuinely caring person I've ever met in my life, Cath. How do you think I can just replace you? You're irreplaceable, you're the love of my life, Catherine. You're-"

She had cut him off quickly,  _"Aloha, Steve. Malamo Pono."_

"Cath. Cath!" He had tried calling out to her, but the sound of the click on the other end of the line told him that she had hung up. "Catherine!" Steve had called out again, desperately.

He had tried to call her back again, but it hadn't gone through. He had lost her.

Forever.

The sadness he had kept bottled inside him over the last few weeks finally got to him. He stared blankly at the picture in his hands as a single tear rolled down his cheek. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath as he let it out slowly.

He stuck the picture back into the sun visor and started the car. It took him a while to sink back into his own reality, but it was too late. Before he knew it, the driver's side window was bashed in – glass spraying on him – and the door was yanked open. He was forced out of the car as he grasped at anything in his car. He tried to reach for his gun, but a sting on his neck left him dazed. His vision became disoriented and in a few seconds, he was slack in his captors' arms. The picture of Catherine laid rest on the car's floor of the driver's side with glass splayed all around the car and blood splattered on the inside of the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! A rather short chapter, but I hope it suffices.
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters.

_9 Months Later_

**.**

Things were good. The pain was  _dull_.

For the first few days after his kidnapping, Steve's hallucination was always present in his mind. For the first few weeks, it was isolated to his jovial tone that hoped for a family with Catherine one day. Her face, her smile, her laughter; everything about her was stuck in his mind.

To say the least, he didn't get much sleep. He tossed and turned until exhaustion finally hit him and he succumbed to sleep. Nightmares plagued him and whenever he reached for Catherine, whether that may be for comfort from his nightmares or in the mornings for security, his hand plopped onto the soft, empty half of the bed. Reality sunk in. Catherine was gone. She had been for a long time.

The first few months were equally painful. Everything in the house reminded him of her; the lingering smell of her lavender shampoo on the pillow case on her side of the bed, - sometimes when he had a really bad day, he would wrap the pillow in his arms and allow the smell of her to lull him to sleep – the vanilla scented body lotion that filled their bathroom, her clothes in the dresser, her stuff on top of the dresser in their room, the pictures of the two of them everywhere in the house and on his electronics, the authentic  _Chicago_ memorabilia that he had gotten for her hung proudly on the wall of their bedroom, the image of Catherine clad only in one of his dress shirts parading around the house, the memories of her roaming around the kitchen cooking for him, the sight of her surfing as he sat on one of the Adirondack chairs in his backyard, the intimate conversations held between them in the privacy of the old home, the interactions with his team and Grace, the way she danced to music that played from his father's old vinyl records, the sight of her both dressing up and undressing for him;  _everything._  And so much more.

He couldn't get her out his head.

By the fourth month, it was apparent to him that she had been gone for almost a year. The longest they had ever been separated was eight and a half months.

But at least then, he had known with absolute certainty that they would meet each other again.

After the sixth month, the sharp pain became dull and things were a little more bearable. Sleep was slightly easier to come by and he had made the decision to pack up all of Catherine's belongings. That had been extremely painful. Memories – both good and bad – had flooded the gates of his mind. He had used the spare key to Catherine's home down in Aina Haina and stored her things safely in her closet but not before another barrage of memories flooded his mind – earlier memories of them.

They had come such a long way and conquered so many challenges that were thrown at them, but  _this_  – this had been the one to end their relationship. Their relationship had always been casual with the hint of something more, but after his permanent move to Hawai'i, their relationship had progressed. She had always meant so much to him – she had always been his rock – and with Hawai'i being the focal point of her leave, home had become a familiar word to them.

He had fallen in love with her (he had been for a very long time) and so had she. He had thought she was it for him. He wanted a life with her; a family. There was no one else for him.

But he couldn't blame her for what she did because he would've done the same. Nevertheless, it still didn't mean her decision didn't kill him inside.

He could've gone to Afghanistan and stayed with her there until she decided to move back to Hawai'i, but he knew that there was no way he would get into Afghanistan without raising a thousand red flags and endangering Catherine. He still wanted to though, but he knew she wouldn't want him to risk his more than honorable service in the Navy and his career for her.

When he left her house, Steve realized that the pearl was still there in his pocket. He hadn't taken it out when he did his laundry.

When the seven month came, it had officially been a year and a few weeks since he'd last seen her. Ellie had asked him out to dinner and reluctantly, in an attempt to live like a normal person for one day, he had agreed.

The eighth month came and he had never revealed anything too personal about himself that wasn't already known to the public.

Ellie was nice. She was strong and determined and fun.

But Catherine still lingered in his mind.

He always stayed over at her house because he couldn't bear the thought of letting someone else in. He couldn't bear the thought of another woman in his bed, sleeping where Catherine had slept.

He had felt guilty after the first time they had sex. He drank himself into oblivion the day after.

When the third week of the ninth month came, they had been dating for almost three months.

He had learned to deal with the notion that Catherine may never come back.

Still, Ellie had never slept over at his house. She knew nothing deeply personal to him; he had let her in only just a crack.

She still didn't know about Catherine.

Things were different; they were smooth.

That is until Vice Admiral Jameson Rollins and his son, Lieutenant Colonel Ethan Rollins (USMC) blast through the doors of the headquarters of the Hawaii Five-0 task force and punched Steve in the face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Another chapter, just like I promised. :) (And it's longer too.)
> 
> A/N: Get your tissues ready on standby, this one is a heartbreaker.
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters. I do, however, own the characters you guys are not familiar with. :D

_Things were different. They were smooth._

_That is until Vice Admiral Jameson Rollins and his son, Lieutenant Colonel Ethan Rollins (USMC) came strolling in the doors of the headquarters of the Hawaii Five-0 task force and punched Steve in the face._

**.**

Chaos ensued, but it was quickly quieted down when the Five-0 members broke the fight apart.

Being held back by Danny and Grover, Rear Admiral Jameson Rollins yelled at Steve, "How could you  _leave_  my daughter in that militant infested hell hole?!"

Jameson Rollins was the average military career officer. His hair was graying, but he still looked as if he was in his forties. He was about 6'2 – a few inches taller than Steve – and was in his mid 50s. Ethan Rollins looked much like his father. Built stature, high and tight cut, and stood at about 5'11 – an inch shorter than Steve.

Blood trickled down Steve's face – it seemed that his nose was broken – and he brought his fingers up to his face and wiped them. Ellie was quick to his side to ask if he was alright.

"Get off me," RADM Jameson Rollins growled at Danny and Grover as he pushed him aside. He smoothed down his dress blues and tucked his cap under his arm. LtCol Ethan Rollins was let go by Chin and Kono as he gave Steve a menacing glare.

"You left my baby sister out there to die!" He shouted.

"It was her choice to stay in Afghanistan! It wasn't my decision to leave her! I told her I would go back. She refused." Steve stated as-a-matter-of-fact.

Ethan Rollins took a step closer to Steve. The rest of Five-0 took a step forward towards Steve. Unfazed, Ethan jabbed a finger at Steve's chest and spoke, "So, perhaps it was her decision to get captured by the Taliban and be held captive for months?"

"W-what?" _Oh, God. He was going to be sick._

"God, you don't even know." Jameson Rollins pulled his son back and moved over to the center console. He inserted a USB drive and hit play.

Everyone turned to face the monitors.

It flickered with static for a few seconds until an image finally came out. It came out distorted until a figure – undoubtedly Catherine – sat down on a wooden chair in a dark room.

 _"Hi, Dad. I hope you're doing all right."_ Her voice cracked for a second, but she quickly found composure.  _"I can't go into detail on what's happening, but if you're watching this, it means that I did something stupid. And I,"_ a half-hearted laugh came from her as she continued _, "I'm probably dead."_

She paused longer this time, looking as if she was contemplating how to word what she was going to say next.  _"Tell,"_  she cleared her throat and looked straight into the camera,  _"Tell mom that I love her. Tell Ethan that I love him and I'm sorry for not giving him the $40 I owe him."_  A faint smile, one that reached her eyes this time, appeared on her face.

_"I'm assuming if you're watching this, Dad, then you're probably contacting every ally you have to find out what the hell is going on. I'm assuming right about now, your mind has fixated on Steve and that you're probably telling your secretary to book a flight to Hawai'i. I'm assuming that right now, you're watching this for the second time, in the Five-0 headquarters. So, I just want to say some things to them before I lose my chance."_

Another pause. Ellie glances over at Steve at the mention of his name.

 _"Hey, Chin. I want to thank you for always having my back and for accepting me into your ohana. I want to thank you for making me laugh and smile when we were going to investigate a scene or question a witness. And I'm ordering you to go call Leilani and set up another date. I won't take no for answer. Neither will my soul when I'm dead."_  She gives a knowing grin and turns the topic to the next person.

_"Captain Grover, hi. I know I haven't known you that long, but I'm grateful for aiding in the rescue of me when I was held hostage and for keeping Steve in line. I can't thank you enough._

_Danny, thanks for being there for Steve when I was gone. Thank you for always having my back and his and for always keeping me on my toes. I know you're probably more than angry with what I've done, but I need you to forget all that for a second and do me a favor. Tell Grace that I love her and that I'm sorry that I couldn't make it to her school talent show. There's an unopened letter that's going to be sent to her after this video ends. Make sure she reads it._

_Thank you for trusting me enough to be family, Danny._

_Kono, sister, I love you. I'm extremely sorry that I won't be there for your wedding with Adam."_ She gives a whole-hearted laugh this time, dissipating her stormy eyes.

 _"Thank you for literally everything. For being my best friend and my confidant and my surfing buddy. Thank you for listening to my problems and being there whenever. Thanks for being family. I truly hope you have an amazing life with Adam – you guys deserve it. I'll love you always, sister."_  Steve hears Kono try and stifle her cry.

 _"Steve."_  She takes a shaky breath and looks at the ground. In a second, she lifts her chin to look at the camera and smiles.  _"Thank you for teaching me not to be alone and scared anymore. For giving me more than_ _ **Chicago**_ _ever could."_

Her eyes turn serious this time.

_"Protocol Charlie-Romeo-Tango-ninety-four is activated. Operation Achilles' Heel is a-go. Doris says hi. Joe White says to call."_

Her voice grows softer,  _"Aloha. Malamo Pono."_

The transmission goes dead. It's like pieces of a puzzle connect when Steve returns back to reality. He's ready to track down his mother and his old SEAL trainer to demand what's going on when another video starts playing.

The picture was black, but the audio sounded throughout headquarters. After a few months of rustling, the picture dissolved into something much less pleasant. He preferred the darkness better.

"Oh my God." Ellie's hand flew up to her mouth in shock.

"God…" Danny ran his fingers through his hair while Chin muttered something under his breath. Kono had tears in her eyes as Grover cleared his throat. Steve stood there, shocked and speechless. He had seen terrible and horrifying things in his time as an active duty Navy officer and even now as head of the Five-0 taskforce. But what he was seeing now was the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, and horrifying thing he had ever seen in his life.

There she was – Catherine – on her knees as her arms were stretched out horizontally. Her wrists were cuffed with a chain that was attached to the walls of the small room on either side of her. Her head was pulled back by the roots of her hair, her neck completely exposed to the large machete that was pressed against her neck.

He knew how she was feeling – he had been in her current position before. Her breathing came in rapid breaths, but she looked unrattled unlike he had been. He had always admired her resolve and her courage, it was stronger than most of the sailors he knew. Even stronger than some SEALs. God knew she was much stronger than him.

The man with the machete had a keffiyeh that was wrapped around his face like a bandana, his thick Middle Eastern accent evident. He spoke, "Six months, we have held her. The insolence of the American government will not be tolerated any longer. We gave you 48 hours to get our money. Now, she dies." The man raised the hand with the machete high and what was about to happen made Steve sick. He couldn't watch.

But a thud drew him back to the screen. The camera that was filming the scene landed on its side, the picture becoming fuzzy, but the audio was intact. He  _needed_ to see her; to know that she was safe.

Then, all of a sudden, the picture came back alive, but it was shaky. He realized that it was the view from a member of the rescue team's camera.

Lasers strobed and sounds of gunfire went off in rapid fire succession. In a matter of seconds, all the hostiles were dead. Catherine's head snapped forward and looked at the soldier who possessed the camera that they were viewing. Despite what was about to happen, she had a weary smile on her face. "Took you guys long enough." Her voice was rough and hoarse and she looked a mess; cuts and bruises all over her exposed body – only covered up by a thin tank top and cargo pants – and both her cheek and lip were cut open. Dried blood leaked from the wounds. Her hair was a horrid mess and her face was covered with grime and dirt.

She looked as beautiful as ever.

"You okay, Lieutenant?"

_He knew that voice._

Catherine laughed half-heartedly.  _God, it was so good to finally hear her laugh again._  "We all know that I'm not in the Navy anymore." She rubbed her wrists and moved to stand, but screamed in pain. She hobbled a few steps and toppled over. The soldier closest to her caught her. "Thanks."

"No problem, Cath."  _Cath…_

_Only people who knew her well called her that. He knew that voice too._

The soldier with the camera curved an arm under hers and over her shoulder to support her. He turned to look at her, taking the camera with him. "Once a sailor, always a sailor, Rollins."

Catherine gave him a smile as the two soldiers helped her escape from the Taliban compound as the other two soldiers created a defensive line around them; one in front, the other in the back.

"Alpha-Lima, this is Sierra-Tango Three. Package is secured."

A transmission echoed, "Copy that, Sierra-Tango Three. Transport is on its way. Twenty minutes out."

The soldier responded, "Roger."

They follow Catherine and her rescue team out of the compound and into a devastated village. "How much farther?" She asked.

The soldier on her right responded, "About four clicks to safety." The soldier with the camera moved his head to face the soldier that talked as Catherine let out a grunt of dissatisfaction.

Then, it finally clicked for Steve. Members of his former SEAL team were the rescue team. Subconsciously, he took a step forward.

He vaguely heard Kono's voice as she asked, "What is it, boss?"

A gunshot sounded from a distance and Catherine flew from the soldiers' grasps.

Steve heard a parade of breaths hitch in response.

A barrage of gunfire sounded from both sides as the soldier with the helmet-cam, Commander James "Mickey" Elliot, shouted, "Take cover! Alpha-Lima, this is Sierra-Tango Three. We're taking fire by military insurgents! I repeat, we're under fire by the Taliban! Package has been shot! We need Air EVAC at our location right away!" There was a moment as he rushed to cover and dragged Cath with him when another soldier was shot. "Alpha-Lima, Lieutenant Junior Grade Jeremy Reeves has been shot! Where the hell is the Air EVAC?!"

The soldier that had been protecting their six, Petty Officer 1st Class David "Lasker" Bishop, dragged LTJG Reeves into cover as he fired off a few shots.

Mickey and Catherine took cover behind a pillar of an archway as Mickey fired a few shots and changed his gun's magazine.

Mickey looked down at Catherine and asked, "You okay down there?"

Cath looked up from her wound as Mick glanced down. The bullet had pierced her lower left abdomen; blood leaked fast.

"Peachy." Her face contorted in pain for a moment as she shifted her weight.

"Five minutes out." Mickey informed her.

"That's too long." She grunted in pain again.

"Thank you for that obvious observation, Holmes." Mickey glanced at Bishop and Reeves. Reeves had been shot in the leg and Bishop was stabilizing his wound with a tourniquet as Reeves took an insurgent down. Mickey quickly looked out of cover and counted close to twenty insurgents with heavy machinery.

"Cheeky bastard," Catherine countered.

They were outnumbered and outgunned. "Damn it," he cursed, "Eighteen insurgents." He took a look at Catherine. She was looking pale. Mick dug in one of his pockets and fished out a cloth. "Put some pressure on that."

"Really? Now, you give me this?" She placed the cloth on her bullet wound and grunted when the pain hit her. Mockingly, she responded, "Like I wasn't already putting pressure on it."

"Always a smartass, Rollins."

Catherine gave Mick a smile. "Not as much as a certain someone we know." Her smile fell.

"We need to talk about that by the way." Mickey fired off more shots. "Got one."

"Great. Like 17 more to go." Her voice was drowsy and low; she was completely out-of-it. She muttered, "I wish I was out in the field."

Memories came rushing back to Steve.

"H-hey, hey." Mick bent down and took Cath's face in her hands. "Stay with me. Stay with me, Cath."

"I just – tired."

"Hey, you need to open your eyes, Catherine. Smoothdog'll kill me if you're dead."

A small laugh came from Catherine. "Haven't heard that one in a while."

The whirring sound of helicopters sounded overhead. Mickey peeked out to find four helicopters hovering in the air above the insurgents' vantage point and a tactical team dressed in all black come propelling down ropes strung from the helicopters and take out the rest of the remaining insurgents.

"All clear!" He heard one of them shout.

Mick picked up Catherine in his arms – she wasn't looking too good. Her hand hung loose from his hold as Mickey ran towards the helicopters that were touching onto the ground below.

"Two wounded; LTJG Reeves has been shot, the package is severely injured. We need medical assistance right away!" As soon as they were loaded in the helicopter, the feed was cut.

"Where is she?" Steve turned to Catherine's father.

"They were sent to Bagram Air Field three weeks ago. They landed in Hawai'i four days ago. They're at Queens Medical."

Steve had realized that instead of  _they_ , he had specially named Catherine specifically. He turned his head sideways over his shoulder slightly. He was suddenly aware of Ellie's presence.

_Damn. He never meant to hurt her._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Enjoy~  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters. I do own Keegan, the nurse, Catherine's doctor, Catherine's family, the members of Steve's old SEAL team, and other characters you guys aren't familiar with.

"Vanessa!" Steve rushed over to the nurse's desk. "Where's Catherine Rollins' room?!"

"I'm sorry, Commander. I'm not allowed to admit any non-authorized personnel into her room."

"Vanessa, I really need this."

Vanessa sighed, "I want to help you, Steve. But she's under government protection."

"What?"

At that moment, a man in a suit came walking out of a room and towards them. "LCDR McGarrett." Steve turned to face him.

"Michael Keegan, CIA." He held out a hand. Steve shook it. "You should get that checked out." He pointed at his broken nose.  _It'll be fine._

He shouldn't have been surprised at the CIA's intrusion of this matter. They had welcomed themselves into his life after his torture in Afghanistan, after all.

"Can we go see her?"

"I'm sorry, only family members can be permitted into Officer Rollins' room."

"Officer? Wait, what's going on?"

Before he could get an answer out of Keegan, RADM Rollins and LtCol Rollins stepped in front of Steve. "We're her family," her brother said.

Keegan nodded and led them into her room.

Steve sighed and ran a hand across his face. He finally noticed Mickey, Lasker, and Reeves sitting in the waiting area – still dressed in their BDUs.

"Lucy, you got some esplaining to do." Mickey mocked in his best Ricky Ricardo accent.

Despite his current stressed out state, Steve's face broke out into a smile and greeted his old friends with a "man-hug."

"You okay, Reeves?"

"Leg's gonna be fine, but still better looking than you'll ever be." He teased.

Steve gave him a smile and retorted, "Not when you look like a candy cluster, Reese's."

"A-hem." Steve heard Danny clear his throat from behind him.

"Oh, right." Steve motioned to his old SEAL team. "Guys, this is my old SEAL team. Commander James Elliot, Petty Officer 1st Class David Bishop, and Lieutenant Junior Grade Jeremy Reeves." Steve motioned to his current team and faced his former SEAL team, "This is Officer Kono Kalakaua, Detective Lieutenant Chin Ho Kelly, my partner, Detective Sergeant Daniel Williams, and this is Ellie Clayton. She's a federal prosecutor." Steve's face fell for a second before finally admitting, "She's also my girlfriend."

"Oh." It took a few seconds before his former team composed themselves. Elliot took the lead as the rest of his buddies let this newfound revelation sink in, "Well, it's nice to meet you guys."

Both sides shook hands and greeted each other and in an attempt to break the tension in the room, Danny asked, "So, which one of you is Mickey?"

Commander Elliot smiled. "That would be me. These guys found a photo of my niece and me in Disneyland and I was wearing one of those Mickey Mouse ears on my head."

A wicked grin appeared on Steve's face and humored laughs overtook his teams'.

Raising two fingers above his head, Reeves spoke, "Well, you know mine's."

"Lasker." Bishop raised his hand as well.

"Oh, like the famous chess player!" Kono deduced.

"Smart girl," Bishop praised. "And it's not because I have a degree in psychology, it's because of my last name. These guys have no taste."

"Oh, I forgot to congratulate you.  _Commander_." Steve held out a hand for Mickey.

"Higher than you, now." Mickey's face split into an ear-to-ear grin. He took Steve's hand and shook it. "It's about damn time too."

"Wait, what's yours?" Ellie asked, curiously.

"Smoothdog," Lasker answered.

And as they all started to gang up on Steve with hilarious war time stories and tales of their time at BUD/s, Mickey pulled Steve aside to talk.

Once they were outside, Mickey nonchalantly stated, "She seems nice."

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"What happened, man?" Mickey asked as Steve walked away from him.

"I don't know, Mick." There was a beat of silence before he admitted, "One minute, we're on the phone and she says that she's finished her 'mission' and the next, she says that she's staying there."

"I know what happened, McGarrett. Cath told me." Steve turned around to face him.

"Then you know, there's nothing I can do about it."

Mickey shook his head, "No, it means you're not getting the whole truth."

"What?"

"You'll see."

**.**

It was an hour later when Catherine's father and brother had come out of her room. A nurse had seen Steve's broken nose and insisted on fixing it. The adrenaline had finally worn off and the pain sunk in. A butterfly bandage was placed over the bridge of his nose.

Keegan finally came out of Catherine's room and the only thing he asked was directed at Ellie. "Ms. Clayton, you're a federal prosecutor, correct?"

Taken aback, it took her a moment to reply, "Yes."

"Come with me, please."

She gave a reassuring smile to Steve before following the man.

**.**

Catherine heard his footsteps before he entered the room. "Rollins."

"Keegan, could you please stop with this bureaucracy for a moment and just let me heal?" She was exasperated.

The whole ordeal with her father and brother had taken a toll on her stress levels and she just wanted to go to sleep. Being in Hawai'i and knowing that just outside her door with her family and friends only made her even more anxious than she already was. Knowing that  _Steve_  was right outside that door made her queasy.

"Rollins, this is Ellie Clayton." Keegan moved to his right to reveal a woman about her age. She was dirty blonde and wore a pantsuit. Independent and head-strong, she presumed.

"Hello."  _Australian._

_Cool._

"Hi. Sorry for dragging you into this mess." Catherine said as she straightened up in her seat.

"No problem." She looked at Keegan. "Um, why am I here, exactly?"

"You're a federal prosecutor which means that you are acutely aware of government laws. We need an objective third party to mitigate and help Officer Rollins here in this current situation," Keegan informed.

"I'm sorry, why can't we use our own lawyers?" Catherine turned to Ellie, "No offense."

"Oh, none taken."

Keegan gave Catherine a look.

"Oh yeah,  _The Leak_." Catherine dramatized.

Keegan just ignored her and turned to Ellie. "Ms. Clayton, I don't have to tell you how fragile this situation is-"

"You just did." Catherine quipped. He ignored her again.

"We need your full discretion."

"I'm assuming I have to sign an NDA?"

"Yes, a Non-Disclosure Agreement will be sent to you if you choose to partake in this case."

"I've had my fair share of off-the-record cases."

Keegan gave her a nod as he pulled out his phone. "I'll have my people send you the necessary documents." With a curt nod, he left the room.

"Wait, aren't you going to need my infor-" Ellie was abruptly cut off as he turned a corner.

"Ugh, CIA officers; no manners." Ellie turned to Catherine.

"Oh, he doesn't seem too bad," Ellie said. "Wait, aren't you a CIA officer?"

"To my disdain, yes."

Ellie gave a laugh as she walked over to Catherine's bedside. She held out a hand, "Ellie Clayton."

Catherine gave her a smile and shook her outstretched hand. "Catherine Rollins."

"You know, you have a choice to leave the CIA if you're not pleased with it." Ellie informed her.

Catherine grunted. "Yeah, if I had a choice, I would. Unfortunately for me, I'm kind of stuck."

"That's a shame."

Catherine nodded. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear about my problems. How'd you get roped up in this mess?"

"No, it's quite alright. I'm going to be a part of your life for a little bit anyways," She gave a smile which Catherine returned before answering, "I was actually just outside to support my boyfriend through all of this. You're actually the reason I'm here. We saw your videos that you gave to your father." She said as a matter-of-factly.

"I'm sorry,  _we_?" Confusion set in.

"Oh, um, the whole Five-0 team. I'm assuming you know them quite well considering you mentioned them in your video."

Catherine shifted uncomfortably in her hospital bed. A complete stranger hearing and viewing her intimate confessions to her friends and family were nerve-wracking.

She tried to change the subject. "You said boyfriend?"

A smile appeared on Ellie's face. _Maybe Danny finally managed to find the right girl._  "Oh yeah. You seemed like you were really good friends with him."

"Oh yeah? Who is it?"

"Uh, Steve. Steve McGarrett."

Catherine froze. She liked it better when they were talking about her.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here's a little chapter with angsty McRoll. :)  
> Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 nor any of the characters. However, the characters you are unfamiliar with are mine.

Catherine had spent the last forty-five-ish minutes talking with Keegan and Steve's new girlfriend about the status of her impending immunity. The CIA was originally going to deal with it, but after finding out there was a leak, no one could be trusted. Especially after said leak exposed Catherine's location in Afghanistan. The CIA had offered her immunity after finding out her presence in Afghanistan in exchange for service within the CIA; a covert mission attacking Taliban cells within the Middle East. And it had been going as planned too, but then her identity and location were exposed and the very people she was hunting hunted her down, changing the playing field dramatically. She had been kept locked up and tortured for six months; too valuable to kill.

And now, here she was. Back at home. Well, "home."

Catherine sighed (internally) as she nodded to whatever Keegan and Steve's new girlfriend was saying. From what Catherine could gather, Ellie was head-strong and determined. Like her.  _She really wished that she could hate her._

She had no right to be jealous; she had no claim on him anymore. After all, she had been the one that had told him to move on. Plus, she had brought this all on herself – this was her mess and her choice, no one else's.

**.**

After spending the last couple of hours in agony and anxiousness, they were finally allowed to see her. As the team (both teams) started to head in, Danny stopped Steve for a moment.

"You okay?" He asked. It was a futile attempt to keep him from falling apart – he already knew the answer before he asked the question – but Steve was grateful nonetheless.

For the first time in a long time, his words were genuinely honest, "No. And I don't think I will be. But it won't hurt to try."

Steve laid a firm shoulder on his partner's shoulder as he walked off, headed towards Catherine's room.

Danny let out a sigh before following him in.

Ellie stood off to the side as both teams greeted her with enthusiasm.  _He never meant to hurt her._

Kono was currently hugging Catherine, both women with tears in their eyes. Her visitors formed a protective semi-circle around her, welcoming the brunette home as Mickey dropped a kiss to her forehead.

When he finally entered the room, the first thing he noticed was Catherine sitting upright on the half-raised hospital bed, looking worn out and tired. His analytical SEAL/cop side kicked in and every detail suddenly became apparent to him. A cut across her lip and a somewhat large scar on her right cheek scarred her delicate face, stitches trying to hide its origins. Her left eye was a little bit swollen and small cuts ran along the knuckles of both her hands. Bruises were visible on her exposed arms; he couldn't even begin to imagine how badly the rest of her body looked like – let alone, how much she suffered. Steve could see the way she was favoring her left side, still healing from the bullet wound. She looked skinnier and paler since the last time he had saw her – her hair was shorter too (only about a few inches shorter, but shorter, nonetheless). As his hazel-green eyes met her dark hazel ones, it finally hit him full force that she had been away for more than a year, spending six of those in captivity, while he lived his life, none the wiser.

All of his mixed and suppressed emotions came rushing back, like a tsunami, flooding the gates of his compartmentalized mind.

He turned on his heels and left.

**.**

"I'll go talk to him," Danny offered as he motioned to leave the room.

Catherine gave him a small smile and shook her head. "Leave him. He's stubborn. And he needs time to process everything. I think it's best if we gave it to him."

Danny only nodded in response as silence filled the room. Not the comfortable kind, nor was it awkward, but the kind where the giant elephant in the room haunted every patron in the room, but no one dared to speak about it.

"Oh," Kono spoke as she lifted a couple of plastic bags onto the tiny table connected to Catherine's hospital bed. "While we were waiting, I went out and bought some food for everyone." One particular bag was swung in front of Catherine's face. "I got you your favorite."

Catherine's face suddenly lit up with an anticipating smile. "Chicken gyro with tzatziki sauce and garden salad?"

Kono reciprocated the smile and added, "With… hot sauce and roasted potatoes."

"From that Greek place down the shore?"

Kono nodded as she passed a box of malasadas to Danny.

"I love you." Catherine said as she opened her bag of goodies.

"I know," Kono replied with a grin. After a moment of indescribable contentedness between the two close friends, Kono spoke to the rest of the people in the room, "I wasn't sure what you guys liked, so I just got a variety of stuff from Kamekona's." She passed a box of coconut shrimp to her cousin and set aside a box of Loco Moco from Rainbow's for herself.

"Just for the record, I love you too." Kono looked at Danny who currently had a mouthful of baked deliciousness stuffed in his mouth which made his statement of appreciation sound like a jumbled mess. Nevertheless, she heard it.

The room erupted in laughter.

**.**

Steve had his hands laid flat against the marble counter of the men's restroom. He looked at his face – now dripping with water – in the mirror, willing for his heart to slow down and his mind not to blow everything out of proportion. He had a good life right now – good girlfriend, great job, and great friends.

Then why was it that he couldn't stop the overwhelming emotions that currently made it impossible to think straight? She had told him to move on – he did. But this whole situation was so sudden that it shook his whole world upside down. And right after he had stabilized it too. Or rather, "stabilized."

He balled his hands into a fist and punched the marble countertop. If he had punched it any harder, he would've broken it.

 _'Calm down, Steve. Breathe,'_  He told himself.

Ten minutes later, he had finally managed to put himself back together (not really) and headed for Catherine's room. Again.

That was when he saw her doctor.

"Hey, doc!" He pulled the doctor aside.

"Ah, Commander McGarrett," he smiled, "How may I be of assistance?"

"Um, Dr. Remmie, I was wondering if you could inform me of all of Catherine's injuries."

He looked hesitant, "Are you sure, Commander?"

Steve nodded, "Yes."

"Very well." Dr. Remmie straightened himself and looked into his eyes before speaking. "Ms. Rollins' injuries range from minor to very severe. From what information her doctors at Bagram Air Field sent over, it seems that she was suffering from some internal bleeding and sustained quite a few broken ribs. An ex-ray here revealed that she has had other ones that have been remodeled over the last few months. She's suffering from a broken fibula and tibia on her right leg, a fractured lateral epicondyle as well as some broken fingers – all of which were remodeled when she got here or fixed at Bagram Air Field, a multitude of cuts and bruises around her body, a badly dislocated shoulder that has been put back into place, a former head wound that has since been healed, and a bullet wound in her lower left abdomen. We were told she had to also undergo an emergency blood transfusion from major loss of blood and suffered from malnutrition, vitamin deficiency, and severe dehydration. I was told it was pretty much touch and go during her first few weeks at Bagram Air Field. Also, from her stay here, I gather that at some point, she was electrocuted and water-boarded numerously from the small build-up of water that were in her lungs and some hindrance in motor capability as well as symptoms of peripheral neuropathy. She should be completely copacetic (physically) in a few months – half a year at the most, but the road to emotional and mental recovery is going to be long and hard. Now, I'm not a psychologist, but I would say without a doubt that she's suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There's no way a person goes through all of that and doesn't come out emotionally and mentally unscathed. But she's a fighter, Commander; that much I can tell you."

"Th-thank you, Doctor."

Catherine's doctor gave him a nod as he left Steve to his thoughts.

The gates of his mind that he managed to keep closed were forcefully pushed wide open by another wave of emotions – anger, pain, frustration, sadness, love, etc. – as it threatened to make him fall apart again.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> LEASE READ THE FOLLOWING BEFORE STARTING THIS CHAPTER:
> 
> It's suggested that based on the Freddie episode, Steve and Catherine have only known each other a bit before 2010. I'm kind of changing that. And because of my need to get everything correct when I write a story, I calculated all sorts of things.
> 
> *I found out that Steve is 34 (Born on March 10, 1977 – making him 37 now [take into account of his birthday – it has not passed yet here in 2015) when the pilot first aired (2010). *But the conflicting part is that in S03E23, it's implied that Catherine and Steve knew each other in the Naval Academy. For the sake of the story, I'm ignoring that. Well kind of. You'll see. ;)
> 
> * In the pilot, Governor Jameson mentions his résumé, saying that he was a SEAL for six years and was a part of Navy Intel for five. And she says Navy Intel before SEALs, so that implies that he was in Navy Intel before joining the SEALs. Plus, the show never mentions that he transferred into Naval Intelligence after ending his career as a SEAL (Yes, he does end his career as a SEAL. It is said that he was a SEAL for six years. The Freddie episode puts him in BUD/s training in Dec. 2000; the pilot takes place in 2010).
> 
> Note: To become an official SEAL, it takes about a year and four months.
> 
> *So, wrapping up in a nice little bow, here is the timeline that I created using the extensive and conflicting information I got (lesson learned: never fully trust the internet or Wikia for that matter):
> 
> Note: Do not look at the years. Look at the age because years just complicate everything. For example, 1999-1999 is one year. 1999-2000 is two years, meaning that the first year starts from the beginning and the second year is the end of that particular year. Confusing, I know, but my timeline makes things a lot easier. (My "OCD" with research and being right is frustrating sometimes.)
> 
> (17): Starts his first year at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. [mid-1994]
> 
> (21): Graduates from the Naval Academy/Commissioned as an officer (as an Ensign) into the Navy. [mid-1998]
> 
> (21-23): Navy Intelligence [mid-1998 – late-2000]
> 
> (24): BUD/s and SEAL training. [Dec. 2000 – mid-2002]
> 
> (25): Navy SEAL. [mid-2002 – mid 2008]
> 
> (31): Transfers back to Navy Intelligence. [mid-2008 – Sept. 2010]
> 
> (34): Freddie dies, Captures Anton Hesse, Steve's father dies because of Victor Hesse, and he starts the Five-0 taskforce. [Sept. 2010]
> 
> Everything is so much clearer now. My brain is rid of some of the clutter. Yay!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 nor any of the characters. The ones you are not familiar with, however, are mine.

_I couldn't speak,_

_I couldn't breathe to save my life._

_All of my chances swim like sinking ships_

_This time it's it;_

_I'll drown or make her mine._

It takes him a long while to level out and finally reach a point of acceptance, however minimal. A five mile swim and a twelve mile run is good for that. And all in less than four-and-a-half hours too.

He's in his thirteenth mile and he's grateful that his running allowed his mind to start decompressing. However, the only thing that's holding him upright and pushing himself harder is the pure adrenaline running through his veins. That and the overwhelming memories that threaten to tear him apart.

A barrage of memories of his life with Catherine fill his mind as he turns a corner onto the street of Five-0's headquarters.

The sky's palate of colors is a backdrop to the crisp white clouds that float around it and he can't help but be reminded of nine months ago, where he stood on the beach behind his house, his world crumbling all around him. Funny enough, it's happening again and for the same reason too.

_Catherine._

Her face enters his mind and it's followed by her smile and the sound of her laugh. Her dark hazelnut eyes that had always offered him a sense of security and warmth suddenly take over his mind. He remembers the way her hips sway when she walks, the delicacy of her stance and her precision focus as she rides a wave, her deadliness as she takes out a perpetrator, the split-second change of her demeanor as she interrogates a suspect, the playful and sarcastic way she takes slight jibs at his supersized ego, competiveness, and SEAL attitude, her lovely vocals as she sings in the shower, her carefree attitude as she dances around the kitchen making her grandmother's ragù, her moans and seductive voice in his ear as they please each other, the way they fit perfectly in each other's lives in every way possible…

Then, one particular set of memories overtakes his mind as he slumps against one of the columns of the archway in front of the headquarters' entrance, finally letting his body take a break.

**.**

**_October 2003_ **

**_U.S.S. Enterprise – 0900 hours_ **

**_Location: Persian Gulf_ **

_Joe White had thought that it was a good idea to get him incorporated back into the throngs of technology after being isolated from it for months – to become slowly familiar with the basics of code breaking again, the foundation of intelligence gathering; the works. What was there to learn about intelligence gathering that he didn't already know? He had already spent a little over two years in Naval Intelligence and had graduated from the mandatory school before he had decided to sign up for BUD/s. And he was on the front lines doing the intelligence gathering for goodness' sake! Plus, he had only transferred from Navy Intel a little less than a year ago. And he tended to remember stuff that he learned. Suffice to say, he also really didn't want too; it was a complete and utter waste of time._

_But when said person is your commanding officer and pulls rank on you, you listen and follow orders. So, here he was, looking down at the massive aircraft carrier as the helicopter he's currently on prepares for landing._

_Steve turns to thank the pilot before he steps onto the fresh tarmac. He squints his eyes to adjust them to the sudden on spur of direct light in his face. Donned in his NWU Type III uniform, he stands out like a sore thumb amongst the bustling flight deck crew, clad in a myriad of colors. He slides his cap off his head and tucks it underneath his arm as he shifts his duffel bag over to the same hand._

_Running his hand through his thick black hair, he watches as the CO of the ship, Rear Admiral (Upper Half) Vincent P. Langer approaches him. At an instant, Steve's at Present Arms - RADM Langer reciprocates it. Steve drops it a quarter of a second after he does and goes up to shake his outstretched hand._

_He shouts over the cacophony of noises surrounding him, "Thanks for having me, Rear Admiral."_

_"It's a pleasure, Lieutenant McGarrett. Navy Intel speaks highly of you. Your astonishing record at the Academy precedes you." He leads Steve away from the tarmac and into the body of the aircraft carrier, descending below deck._

_"As does yours, sir."_

_RADM Langer leads Steve into the Combat Information Center (CIC) as they weave around Intelligence Specialists and Operational Specialists that call the Operations Room home. Steve is lead to a large room over where a large table-like console sits in the middle and computer desks line the opposite walls of the ship. There's one computer desk that sits near the foot of the console – an island amongst the others. Displays that measure radar and sonar technology litter every computer station as monitors are hung around the room, showing various maps and news feeds. Several clocks hang in the farthest end of the room, displaying the times of several major cities around the world. The room is lit by not only the lights on the ceiling, but the light that reflects off of the computer screens. Personnel bustle around the large room and yet again, he sticks out like a sore thumb – his NWU Type III standing out from everyone else's NWU Type I. RADM Langer taps a woman on the shoulder who's leaning against the center console, a pencil in her hand and papers littered next to her. She's talking with an enlisted sailor as they try and pinpoint something on the console's screen._

_She turns and greets the CO, "Sir."_

_"Lt. McGarrett, this is Lieutenant Junior Grade Catherine Rollins. She's the commanding officer of this station; one of our best and brightest. She'll be the one showing you the ropes for the next few weeks."_

_"Nice to meet you, Lt. McGarrett." She offers him her hand._

_Steve shakes it and smiles as he greets, "The pleasure is all mine Lt. Rollins."_

_"I'll leave it to you then, Rollins."_

_Catherine Rollins nods to her CO as he exists the compartment._

_"_ Lieutenant  _Rollins, we finally meet," he says with a wry smile on his face. "Congratulations on the promotion."_

_Catherine lets out a laugh and nods, "Thanks, McGarrett." They hold each other's gaze for a while until she asks, "You want me to show you around?"_

_"Lead the way," he steps aside and motions for her to go ahead of him._

_"Flattery will get you nowhere, Lieutenant." She remarks when she sees a smirk on his face._

_"On the contrary. It's gotten me to where I am now and I think I'm in a more than good situation right now."_

_Catherine scoffs as she changes the subject, "Weren't you were in Navy Intel for two years before becoming a SEAL?"_

_Steve nods, "I'm impressed, Rollins. You remembered; how flattering."_

_She stops and turns to him. "Then why are you here?"_

_"My commanding officer forced me to." Steve admits._

_She laughs. And for a moment, he's enthralled by it. "You say it like that's a bad thing."_

_"Not anymore." Steve's bold choice of words has him regretting it in the next moment, but he brushes it off as coolly as he can, "You know, because I get to thank the woman who saved my life and all." He scratches the back of his head slightly as he waits for her to answer, hoping that he didn't just blow the chance to get to know her better._

_"Uh-huh," she smirks. She decides to not let him suffer and squirm any more than he already was._

_"What, um," he clears his throat, "What is this place, anyways?" He asks, hoping to change the subject from him._

_With a knowing and smug grin, Catherine replies, "It's part of the Combat Information Center."_

_"I know that," he deadpans. "But, I mean, this place. What is it? It's certainly not like any CIC I've ever been in before."_

_"It's the counterpart to the Naval Special Warfare Command's intelligence center."_

_"So, is this the place where you told me to – and I quote – 'Grow a pair and use that SEAL training of mine'?" He quips._

_Catherine's smile is intoxicating as she responds, "Well, I had to get you up off of your ass and start moving." She walks off, motioning him to follow her. The memory of the time becomes fresh in his mind._

_Flashback:_

**_May 2003_ **

**_Operation Strawberry Field_ **

**_Location: Classified_ **

_A dull ringing in his ears stirred him awake. His vision was blurry and it was coming back in small spots, but the ringing aggravated him. His raging headache wasn't helping either. He used his arms to push off of the jungle floor as he sat in a half-raised position. He looked around in an attempt to deduce his location, but all he registered was green. And lots of it._

_All of a sudden, in a pop, a voice rang in his ear, startling him. "Lieutenant McGarrett! Can you hear me?"_

_"Who is this?" He asked warily, his finger coming up to touch the earpiece in his ear._

_He heard the person on the other line sigh. "This is Ensign Catherine Rollins. We've been trying to locate your position and reach you for the past couple of hours."_

_"I know you," he blurted, not even using time to process the words that were about to leave his mouth._

_"What?" She asked, obviously confused._

_"You went to the Naval Academy. I heard you were a force to be reckoned with within the plebes. Graduate at the top of your class?"_

_"Yeah. How do you know that?"_

_"I was a senior when you were a freshman. I saw you around a lot."_

_"And you didn't even say, 'Hi.'" The teasing in her voice was a welcome levity in the current situation._

_Steve laughed, though it hurt him to do so. He assumed that he broke a rib or two. "I had a reputation I needed to maintain._

_"You had a reputation, all right," she quipped._ Her voice is unusually soothing.

_"What does that mean?"_

_"You know, the whole Smoothdog thing. Girls all over you; guys jealous of you. That sort of thing."_

_"If you get me out of here, I'll promise you a steak dinner to make up for my lack of manners."_

_He heard her laugh in his ear as she replied, "I think I'm okay with that."_

_He abruptly changed the subject and asked curiously, "How are we even talking?"_

_"We're on a separate channel. You got lost from your SEAL team. It seems that the militants are blocking particular radio waves. And one of them just happens to be the one your team is communicating on. I need you to get moving. We're tracking your location now. You'll be back with your team in no time. "_

_"Great," he said as he moves to stand up. He huffed in pain as he plops back down._

_"What's wrong?" She asked, concern laced in her voice._

_"I think I fractured something in my leg. I know that I broke a rib or two." He grunted in pain as he leaned against a nearby tree._

_"Oh, grow a pair, McGarrett. Use that SEAL training of yours."_

_"Excuse me?" He's blown away by her bluntness._

_"Find a large stick and use it to walk. You'll need it."_

_"You know, it's easier said than done," he retorted, but did as he was told. He looked through the vegetation for a moment, until he sees a somewhat large stick tangled in the trees. He hobbles and grits his teeth as he walks the few yards between him and tree._

_"I've fractured my leg before. It wasn't that bad. Man up." He could hear her typing in the background._

_"You have?"_

_"Why do you sound so surprised? For your information, I just came back from a tour in Kabul four months ago."_

_"No, I just figured you worked behind a desk. You know, computer stuff; intelligence gathering."_

_"I take that as an insult. Intelligence gathering isn't just sitting behind a computer."_

_"Oh, I know that. I was in Navy Intel before the SEALs."_

_"Then, what were you trying to imply?"_

_"It's just that, um, you know…"_ He should really think before he speaks.

_"I'll take your lack of words as defeat." She seemed to have taken much joy in his squirming – it was unsettling. And hot._

_The next few minutes are silent, her typing and his grunting only filling it._

_"I'm sorry," he said as he climbs over a large rock._

_"It's fine – SEAL complex." He's grateful that he's back in her good graces; he was never the best at first impressions._

_"How do you know?"_

_"My father was a SEAL."_

_"He retired?"_

_"No," he could imagine Catherine shaking her head. "He's not a SEAL anymore, but he's still in the Navy."_

_"What's his name? I might know him."_

_"Captain Jameson Rollins."_

_"Really? Wow. He's your father? Must be a lot of pressure."_

_He could imagine her shrugging when she replied, "He's mainly just overprotective. He's supportive of my career choices. Everybody makes assumptions about me and expects something out of me because of my father's impeccable record. It's not his fault; he's a good man."_

_"He is; he was my commanding officer for an assignment for a couple months a few years ago." She hummed something in acknowledgement of his omission and silence fell over the line again. "I know how you feel." He said suddenly._

_"Do you now?"_

_"Mmhmm," he hummed. "My father was in the Navy. So was my grandfather. He died on the Arizona. My dad's a cop now."_

_"Oh. I'm sorry, Steve."_

_He reveled in the way she said his name. This whole situation felt so foreign to him._

_"It's okay. I didn't know him that well and he was serving his country just like we are." He's always hated the silence, so he tries to strike up a conversation. "You got other family members in the military?" He was genuinely curious. And it was rather strange, considering the woman on the other line was a complete stranger._

_"Yeah. My mother was a medic in the Navy. That's where my parents met. My older brother is a Marine."_

_"Ah, a jarhead. A family full of sailors and he's the only Marine."_

_Catherine laughed, "Yeah, we tease him a lot about it. You see anything on your radar, McGarrett?"_

_Steve stopped walking as he unclipped a device from his belt. Quickly checking it over for abnormalities, he replied, "No. Why?" His brows furrowed as he scanned the excess of foliage around him. It kind of reminded him of the vast Hawaiian jungles._

_"Just checking. We're all clear on this side. It's about to get dark there, you should find some shelter. Your team is heading towards your location; they're about 50 klicks from you. You should be with them by tomorrow afternoon."_

_"Thanks for your help, Cath."_

_"Cath? Haven't heard that one before."_

_"I promise you'll get your steak dinner, Ensign."_

_"Whatever you say, McGarrett. I'll be in your ear, but I'll check with you in the morning. In the meantime, get some rest. Operation Strawberry Field is still a-go."_

_"Aye, Aye, ma'am."_

_Catherine laughing through the line had been the last thing he heard before he headed inside a small concave, ready to sleep for the night._

_She had become his eyes and ears for the rest of the mission and he had taken quite a liking to it. She quickly became his lifeline to civilization. It doesn't scare him like it should've, but only encouraged him further. Which for his sake, had been the best decision he had ever made._

_End Flashback_

**_._ **

_It's almost five in the afternoon when the mess hall opens up. He stands up from his seat and stretches, then heads for the Officers' Wardroom. He meets Catherine as people file out for dinner._

_"Cath, wait up."_

_"Sailor. Everything going alright?"_

_He smiles. He fights the overpowering urge to overthink the realization that she tends to have the effect on him. "Everything's swell. You're a good teacher."_

_She smirks and asks, "You get invited to Wardroom Two?"_

_Steve nods. The CO and XO had personally requested him to join them during dinner. "You jealous, Rollins? It's very unbecoming of you," he teases._

_She's quick with a comeback, "Oh, don't kid yourself, McGarrett. The CO called me one of his best and brightest."_

_All he can do is laugh._

_They're up on the 03 level as enlisted sailors stand aside to make way for the officers._

_"You still owe me a steak dinner, McGarrett. Or do you not remember?" She walks off into Wardroom One as he calls after her, "How can I forget?!"_

_Steve smirks as he heads up to his stateroom, where he's sharing it with four other officers. He stashes his duffel in his storage compartment and heads for Wardroom Two._

_Half an hour later, he asks to be excused and he's grateful that they give him permission. He slips into Wardroom One as he grabs a tray and adds food on it, grabbing a heaping second serving. As he grabs a cup of water, he looks around the room, immediately finding Catherine. She's sitting opposite a man, laughing and talking as she eats her food. A pang of jealousy hits him. He doesn't know why. It's not like they're together or anything._

_As he approaches, the man stands up to leave and only then does he realize it's someone he knows._

_"Harrington!" Steve sets his tray down on the table and greets the old friend._

_"McGarrett! Long time no see."_

_"Aww, Brotherly Love. How cute," she teases. Catherine wipes her mouth with a napkin and looks up at the two men. "Um, how do you two know each other?"_

_"We worked a mission together in Afghanistan back in March. Harrington saved my life." He pats him on the back in endearment._

_"He's being modest. But yeah, I did." William Harrington laughs as he says, "Well, I'd love to catch up, but duty calls." He moves over to Catherine and gives her a quick hug. "I'll see you later, Rollins?"_

_She nods. And smiles. And calls him Billy._

_There's that jealousy again._

_Steve sits across from her, filling the empty seat where Harrington sat moments ago. He digs into a serving of mashed potatoes._

_"You know, if you missed me, you could just say so." A wicked grin dances on her lips when he looks up at her. He gives her a hearty laugh as he chews. "You know you're the reason I was promoted."_

_"Really? Then maybe you should be the one buying me a steak dinner."_

_"Oh, I am not letting you off that easy." Her voice is soft and has a hint of seduction that he nearly melts._

_"Well, you're not the main reason, but if you hadn't deviated from the landing zone and got lost in a jungle, then I wouldn't have had to save your ass. And I wouldn't have gotten the promotion. Plus, I got a medal, so you know, win-win."_

_"How is it a win-win? I got lost in a jungle, fractured my ankle, and had two broken ribs!" He exclaimed._

_With a wicked smile, she says, "You had the pleasure of meeting me."_

Indeed he did.

_They both laugh, momentarily forgetting they were in a room of hundreds of other officers. They swap stories and tell jokes as half an hour goes by._

_Curiously, he asks, "So, how do you two know each other?"_

_"Who? Billy and me?" He nods. "You jealous, McGarrett? You know, it's very unbecoming of you." She mocks him with a wry grin._

_"Shut it, Rollins," he teases back._

_Catherine gives him a smile and responds, "He was a sophomore in the Naval Academy when I was a freshman. We hung out."_

_"Mmm," he replies._

_"What's that supposed to mean?" Catherine asks as she looks him in the eyes. He couldn't help but get lost in them. If her tone hadn't been playful, he would've thought she was offended at his accusation._

_"You know, an attractive woman and an attractive man…" he trails off, gesturing with his fork._

_"Did you just call me attractive, Lieutenant? Don't you know you shouldn't show your hand all at once?"_

_His blood rushes to his cheeks and tries to backpedal, "I also called Billy attractive."_

_"Ooh, I didn't know you swung that way. My roommate is going to be so devastated," she playfully chides him. He decides that he likes it when she does that._

**_._ **

It's Danny that finds him slumped against the column. He doesn't say anything, but only leads him to his office and says, "You should really talk to her, Steve. You guys have to clear the air."

He leaves and Steve's left alone to his thoughts again. He decides to take a shower and change his clothes.

**.**

**_January 2004_ **

**_United States Pacific Fleet (USPACFLT) – Pearl Harbor Naval Base_ **

**_Location: Pearl Harbor, Hawaii_ **

_Steve stands outside the Pearl Harbor Naval Base, looking at the distant skyscrapers of downtown Honolulu. He hasn't been home in a while._

_"Hey, there you are." Catherine approaches him. She looks out towards the water, watching him using her peripheral vision. When he doesn't respond, she admits, "You know, I've never been to Hawaii."_

_"Hawai'i," he corrects as he turns to face her with a smile._

_"My bad," she says as she reciprocates his smile._

_"It's okay. Lots of people get it wrong, mostly haoles."_

_"What?" She asks, confused._

_"It's used by Native Hawaiians. It refers to white people or non-native Hawaiians."_

_"Wouldn't that make you a haole?" She asks, testing the new word on her tongue._

_Steve lets out a chuckle, "Double standards, I guess."_

_A few moments of silence pass by as Steve closes his eyes and listens to the distinctive ocean waves of Hawai'i slowly crash onto each other. It's something he hasn't heard in a long time. He had missed it._

_"What's wrong, Steve?" Catherine lays a comforting hand on his back as he opens his eyes._

_"It's just…" He trails off as he turns to face her. "I haven't been home in a while. This," he gestures to the ocean and the backdrop of buildings, "is a lot to take in."_

_"Wait, you're from Hawai'i?"_

_He allows a smile to overtake his face, "Born and raised – I thought you would've already known that by now."_

_"I figured you would tell me if you wanted me to know. I didn't want to look at your file behind your back." Steve nods, appreciating the amount of privacy she has given him. Most people wouldn't have been as patient as Catherine and would've already memorized everything in his file in order to impress him. In fact, everybody else would've probably had done so the minute after their first encounter occurred. Catherine was different; special – it occurs to him that he might never meet someone like her again._

_Silence falls between them and in an effort to take his mind off of things, Catherine exclaims, "Wow." She turns to look at the water. "I never imagined you as a surfer. That'll be fun to see." She teases. And just like that, he starts to feel better. She tends to have that effect on him._

_"What makes you think I'm going to show you my surfing skills?" They turn towards each other and Steve's got this questioning, but teasing smile plastered on his face that Catherine reciprocates._

_"You owe me a steak dinner, remember? Maybe you could throw in a surfing lesson for foreplay."_

_"So, this is a date, now? Lieutenant Rollins, are you asking me out on a date?" His breath hitches in his throat as he waits for what feels like hours for her answer._

_"Well, someone has to or it's going to take you forever to muster up the courage to do so," she smirks._

_Steve just laughs. "Steak dinner and surfing lesson? Alright."_

_"Really?" She asks, a twinkle of excitement in her eyes._

_"For you?" He searches her eyes for any lingering doubts. He finds none and voice low, he continues, "Anything." The timbre of his voice is full of sincerity as he finally does what he's only dreamt of– kiss her._

_He wraps her up in his arms as she responds in equal kind, playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck. As he gets lost in the moment, he doesn't care if he gets caught and reprimanded and it seems from the way she's responding, Catherine doesn't either._

_As he pulls away for air and rests his forehead on hers, he hopes that today officially marked the end of the beginning._

**.**

Steve decides to take Danny's advice and visit Catherine.  _They need to talk._

**.**

_My vocal chords have been fighting,_

_My mouth likes spite me._

_It never says the words that come to mind_

_I brought a stick to a gun fight_

_And I'm stuck with my tongue tied._

_I run, but I can't hide what's always there is_

**_November 2008_ **

**_United States Naval Hospital_ **

**_Location: Naples, Italy_ **

_"You had no right to do that!"_

_He looks up from his book, surprised to find her standing there. Let alone, in Italy. Had she flown all the way over here just to see him? He knows he shouldn't get his hopes up and he has no right too – he had been the one to break up their… whatever_ they  _were – but he couldn't help it. She had always been the reason he allowed himself to hope._

_"Catherine." As soon as he says her name, a wave of relief flows through him, like the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. She had always made him better, physically, mentally, and emotionally – whether she had intended to or not._

_Her name feels so foreign on his tongue after not speaking it for six months. He had seen her around bases and command stations here and there, but he had not spoken with her for a long time. And she had been perfectly content to not talk with him either. Nor had he talked about her. After he had found out she had struck up a relationship with Billy, he had shut down and immersed himself in his work. Once he had transferred back into the Naval Intelligence Corps, he had opted to go active duty, taking every field mission and hostile assignment he could and taken unnecessary risks that had become more and more dangerous. That had been the reason he had ended up here._

_She stomps up to him, eyes red-rimmed and darker than he'd ever seen them. She's in civilian wear – ankle boots, jeans, white shirt, gray cardigan, and a black and white scarf draped around her neck – so he assumes that she's flown over to Italy to visit him. He_ hopes _she has because he truly misses her and regrets every day ever calling it off with her even if it was to protect her._

_"You have no right!"_

_To be honest, he's currently confused as to what she's referring to as he sits up on his hospital bed. He's about to open his mouth to ask her to clarify, but she beats him to the punch, "You write me a heartfelt letter telling me how you feel that I get by mail a day before I find out that you decided to take an almost suicidal off-the-record black ops mission in Syria and you end up here?!"_

Oh, that.

_He doesn't know how to respond her, so he goes for "tension-breaking", "The bright side is that I didn't die." He gives her a smirk, even if he knows it's futile to expect that would calm her._

_"Don't you dare, Steve," she warns._ Yup, futile.

_Steve watches as Catherine walks over to the windows, anger still radiating off her. She looks out the window for a few moments, though it feels like hours. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he waits for her to speak. He had always hated when Catherine got angry. Or sad. Or hurt. Or just anything negative._

_When she finally does speak, her voice is cracking and it seems that at some point, the overwhelming anger had turned into hurt and sadness. His heart breaks when she speaks. "I don't understand you, Steve."_

_She turns back around and he opens his mouth to reply, but again, she beats him to the punch. "You're the one that called us off."_

_He only nods._

_"Did you expect me to come running back into your arms after reading your letter? Did you think I would pity your pain and regret after you broke my heart?"_

_"Catherine…" He trails off._

_"I don't understand you, Steve," she repeats. "If this is how you were going to feel then why did you end our relationship?" He doesn't respond, so she continues, "We're caught in this vicious cycle of us hurting each other with you always getting the last word in edgewise and I don't think I can do this anymore."_

_He can't just let her go. Curse his stubbornness._

_She doesn't leave, though. Thank God that she doesn't leave._

_He sits up straighter in his seat and he mentally kicks himself for hurting her. He had never dreamt of hurting her; she was the most important person in his life._

_"I'm sorry." The genuine passion in his voice has her walking towards his bedside. "I never wanted to hurt you, Cath. If I ever thought for one second that I would hurt you, I would've never sent that letter. I never wanted to call us off, Cath. You're the most important person in my life. But I had to protect you."_

_"From what? Yourself?"_

_It takes him a while to process what she asks. He nods. He had always been a destructive force that brought down anyone else with him. Or at least that's what his childhood had proven to him time after time again. And she deserved so much better – better than him – even if it broke his heart to see her with someone else._

_"Steve, I'm a big girl. I can protect myself. I knew what I was getting into the moment we got in bed together."_

_"I know that."_

_"Then why'd you call us off?"_

_He thinks for a second and finally allows himself to look into her eyes. "Because I wanted you to be happy."_

_"And you didn't think that you made me happy?" Her voice was challenging as if she was daring him to say otherwise. It made his heart skip a beat that she had so much faith in him._

_But despite her admission, he feels unsure – something that he hasn't felt in a long time. And suddenly, he feels the onrush of all of the issues and insecurities he had desperately tried to hide._

_She waits for him to say something back, but it never comes. The next words out of her mouth definitely pulls him out of his thoughts. "I broke up with Billy."_

_"Wh-what?" He asks. "Why?"_

_He doesn't mean to sound disappointed, but the way it's laced in his voice has him wanting to hit himself. As much as he wants to tell her how he truly feels and delve into a life together, he knows that that's going to be a challenge. With him, it was stubbornness and a prolonged will-they-won't they relationship. With someone else, it was stability; honesty; purity. He shouldn't make her happy; he's not normal – Billy is._

_They had somehow fallen into an unspoken exclusive relationship revolving around sex and witty banter with an overwhelming lack of emotional intimacy. The latter was mostly his fault._

_"Because he didn't make me as happy as you did. Because whenever I was with him, I felt that something was missing." She takes a step closer and laces her hand through his._

_"Cath… I can't give you normalcy. I can't give you what you deserve." His gaze locks with hers, searching for something – anything – to hold on to._

_"Being normal is overrated," she says, cupping his cheek with her free hand. "What if you are what I deserve?"_

_"Cath…" He starts to tell her how wrong she is, but she interrupts him._

_"Will you for once stop being so stubborn?" She asks, her tone harsh, but her eyes sincere. That's all it takes for him to pull her to him and kiss her._

_God, it feels so good to have her so close to him; to be able to kiss her; to be able to call her his again._

_He doesn't know what he did to deserve someone as incredible as Catherine, but he thanks God for giving her to him and for giving him a second chance at hope._

**.**

_She has no problem with secrets._

_She knows how to keep them._

_She never felt the need to let them show._

_And I've had no trouble with speaking_

_Or trusting my instincts;_

_That maybe this is one that I should know._

_But as I'm waiting there,_

_The devil on my shoulder stares_

_Laughing that the one thing I can't get is what I need._

And now, their roles are reversed as he enters her hospital room slowly, but he can't help but feel just as lost and pained like that day.

When he walks into her room, he expects to find her resting in her hospital bed, reading or doing something to entertain herself. Instead, he finds her in front of the room's windows, sitting firmly in a wheelchair. He eyes drift over to his reflection in the window, slightly distorted and a shadow of himself. His shadow-self stares right back into him as he wonders where they had gone wrong.  _They had been so happy..._

His eyes drifted over to Catherine's reflection and he can't help but think how beautiful she is, even if her reflection is distorted as well. Her eyes are closed, but she's still looking out the window. The Hawaiian skyscrapers are tall and vast, their bright lights offers a stark contrast to the pitch-black night sky. If she is aware of his presence – and he's pretty sure she is – she doesn't say anything to acknowledge it.

Steve doesn't speak. Neither does she.

They revel in the silence for a while. It's comfortable and Steve wants nothing more than to stay in this moment forever; at peace and with Catherine – no need to stress about anything. But the tension is ever present, no matter how hard he tries to ignore it.

"How many miles this time?" Catherine's the first to speak, but her eyes are still closed.

"Thirteen," he replies. "Five mile swim too." Sometimes he forgets how well she knows him.

She responds with a hum of acknowledgement. Silence falls upon them yet again and neither dares to speak.

Her wheelchair shifts slightly and he can see her right leg wrapped in a cast, a myriad of different handwritings and colors scrawled upon the surface. His heart breaks at that. Seeing Catherine get hurt was something he never got used to and he thinks this revelation of her capture will haunt him for the rest of his life. After she had been captured in Hawai'i by the mercenaries, he couldn't sleep for two weeks straight.

Steve opened his mouth to speak, but Catherine spoke first, her eyes still closed.  _He doesn't know how she does that._  "Did you know I was blind once?"

_No, he hadn't known that._

She turned around in her wheelchair, finally opening her eyes. The first thing she sees is how he's slouched – something Steve never does.

He shook his head.

"Yeah. Four months ago," she nods. "I woke up and I couldn't see anything. I thought there was a bag over my head, but it was too dark and my head felt free. I was on this cold cement floor in a four-by-four cell. I screamed and screamed for help but no one answered me. I stood up and fell against the wall, trying desperately to feel something covering my face, but there was nothing. And I figured I was blind. It was the scariest thing ever; being robbed of your vision when moments ago, you could see everything in your path." She sighed as she looked at his face; devoid of anything, but speaking volumes. "Now here I am, gifted with sight but no vision."

"Helen Keller," he stated.

Catherine nodded. "My life's a mess, Steve. I did all of this; sacrificed  _everything_  to protect the people I love and it blew up in my face." She stops for a moment and looks into his eyes, "I had everything and somehow, I ended up with nothing."

He's never seen her this hurt before. The look that she gives him is full of anguish and pain. Her forehead wrinkles in uncertainty and there's a lump in her throat. She's out of tears; that much he knows. It hurts him even more when he sees how different she looks – much skinnier; much paler.

"I don't understand, Catherine." He wants to help her; seeing her in any form of pain hurts him even more than it hurts her.

She smiles wistfully at him before turning around and heading back to her previous place by the window. "You're not supposed too."

"I don't deserve an explanation?" The ambiguity in his voice hides all the bottled up anger he hasn't been able to release.

She expects a screaming match, soon.

"If there's anyone that deserves an explanation, it's you, Steve. But I can't give you one."

His anger starts creeping its way to the surface. He takes two long strides across the room, a mere two feet away from Catherine. He stares at her reflection; she stares back. "I deserve an explanation, Catherine! I  _need_ one! I spent the last nine months in frustration and agony being torn apart, worrying about your safety and trying to find any way to get you to come back. I tried moving on, Catherine. I did what you asked; what you pleaded! I told you I loved you and you told me that you loved me back. And then you call me just to tell me that you weren't coming back."

He spun her around to face him, still fuming.

"I thought you were coming home!  _Home!_  Back to me! Was that village more important to you than our life that we built?!"

"What life, Steve?" She fights the urge to stand up, grasping the armrests of her wheelchair.  _Being confined sucks – something she knew all too well._ "A life of never saying what you really feel and dodging the important stuff? A life of secrets and lies?! A life filled with double standards?!"

_And here comes the shouting match._

"Oh, that's rich." His tone is acidic; almost condescending. "That's rich coming from the woman that lied to me about my mother."

"What about you?!" If he's going to start naming names, so can she.

"What about me?! What secrets have I held?! What lies have I told?!" He knows he's setting himself up for a whirlwind of examples, but he needs to hear them. He needs to know how she felt.

Catherine scoffs at his questions. "Your father's investigation. North Korea. Your arrest. Wo Fat.  _Everything!_ "

"I told you everything you needed to know!"

"Like I was one of your soldiers! You debriefed me like I was a sailor fresh out of boot camp! Did you know how I found out about North Korea?" Her eyes are piercing, her voice daring for him to ask.

"After 32 hours of trying to find and locate a missing soldier, I finally got to sleep. Two hours in, I'm woken up by my CO telling me that there's a C-2 Greyhound waiting for me up on deck! When I got to the hospital, the first thing I saw was how you were tossing and turning; plagued by your nightmares. Do you know how I found about your arrest?" She doesn't give him a chance to respond. "Through Danny! And Wo Fat? By Mickey!"

"Well, you weren't there when I was being held captive by Wo Fat as he drugged me and electrocuted me to try and alter my memories." He refuses to let her win. His stubbornness and competiveness only add fuel to the roaring fire.

"Well, you weren't there when I was taken moments away of finishing something that would get me home! To you!" That grasps his attention. "You weren't there when they tortured and electrocuted and water boarded me for months, threatening me that they would kill you and the village I was protecting if I didn't help them!" She wheeled up to him slowly. "You know when you were there? When I was facing imminent death, Steve. I couldn't breathe; my lungs felt like they were going to explode from all of the water boarding. They flooded the room with water, hooked up a car battery and put it on a low level, plunged it into the water, and started electrocuting me. They took out a shoe box and came up with a single picture; you and me in Afghanistan. They told me that they had eyes all over the world and showed me dozens of pictures of you in Hawai'i with Five-0; with Grace; with your sister; with your aunt. And they told me that if I didn't cooperate, then they would kill me. They would record it and send it to you once I was dead and after you finished watching it, they would kill you guys too."

Tears streamed down her face as she spilled her secret. This was something that haunted her since it had happened. It was the reason she hadn't been sleeping when Steve entered her hospital room.

"Cath…" His voice was weak, his heart clenching in his chest. He stepped forward towards her, but she wheeled back.

"Don't," she warned. She made her way to her bedside. "I don't need your pity, Steve."

"I'm not pitying you." He watched as she struggled to get up on the bed, wincing in pain as she put force on her right foot accidentally. In a flash, he rushed to help her, but she waved him off.

She sat on the edge of the bed, her feet dangling inches above the floor. "Yes, you are, Steve." She took a deep sigh in an effort to clear her mind. Catherine faced him and finally admitted, "The CIA found me. They gave me an ultimatum: join them to fight terrorist cells in Afghanistan or go to jail and place a 24/7 CIA tail on all of you – you, Danny, Kono, Chin, Captain Grover, Leilani, Adam,  _Grace_. So, I chose to fight; to protect you guys. Even if it meant losing everything and everyone that I loved."

"Catherine…" He didn't know what to say. He had been so angry and frustrated with her that it had clouded his judgments and limited the reasons of why she left to one: she didn't love him enough. Now, he finally realized that he had been completely and utterly incorrect. She had loved him so much; loved everyone so much that she had been held in captivity for months on end in disgusting conditions and faced horrendous experiences so that they could be happy. She had loved them all so much that she had risked her own safety and sacrificed the life that she had built so that they could have one of their own.

_I can see these things I do_

_But never seem to follow through._

_She, She is the words that I can't find._

_How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I told you guys this chapter was long.
> 
> A/N: The lyrics are taken from "She (For Liz)" by Parachute. The lyrics are not in order.
> 
> A/N: Bonus points to anyone who can tell me the line of Catherine's I used in this story that was used in Catherine's first appearance of H50!
> 
> Fun Fact: The U.S.S. Enterprise (which was used as a location – probably not the real one – for H50) retired in December of 2012.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of its characters. However, I do have some of my own in here. :)

It had been a month since their last conversation. Catherine had suggested he should go and he had obliged to her wishes. For once, he hadn't been so hard-headed and stubborn. Sometimes when she was trying desperately to succumb to sleep, she wished he had been.

She had been given the all-clear to go home with warnings to not physically strain herself too much and to make sure she had made it to her mandatory visits and physical therapy sessions. Mickey, Lasker, and Reeves had helped her home and then insisted on staying for the night. That night had turned to a week which quickly turned to a month. They would be serving as her protection detail until further notice and they had no problem with helping out a close friend. Not to mention that being stationed in Hawai'i was an amazing perk. It was like a vacation; something they all hadn't experienced in a long time.

Catherine and the team sat around her round dinner table catching up on old times. She sat with her back to the hallway, Reeves sat with his back to the couch and Mickey and Lasker sat opposite her, Mickey's arm around Lasker's shoulders.

"How are you two?" She asked.

Mickey replied with a smile on his face, "Great."

Lasker added, "Just glad that we're not away from each other. Kinda feeling sorry for Reeves over there." The teasing in his voice made Reeves smile.

Mickey hummed in reply.

Mickey and Lasker had both come out years ago, marking six years in their relationship a few months ago. It was tough being a gay couple in the military, let alone being SEALs too. They had kept it quiet so that they wouldn't be treated differently from their superiors and only kept the circle of trust privy to some family and extremely close friends.

"Ugh. Being around these two lovebirds is sickening. I'm like a third wheel everywhere!" Reeves teased back.

It felt good to genuinely laugh. It was something she hadn't done in a while.

"Don't be a prat, Reeves. You just miss Elise." Lasker poked fun at him.

"Oh, that reminds me," Catherine turned to Reeves. "How's everything with Elizabeth?"

Catherine nursed a mug of hot tea in her hands, her right leg propped up on another chair while her left stood upright on the chair she was currently on, her chin against her knee.

"Everything's great. She's on assignment in Italy, I think. She's on a classified mission or something; can't tell me about it. It's odd being on the other side of the secrecy fence." A small smile played on his lips as he took a sip of his coffee. "I never got to thank you for what you did." Reeves said, taking a sip of his beer.

Elizabeth and Reeves had been dating for almost three years, thanks to Catherine. She and Elizabeth had known each other when they were younger and she had thought that they would be perfect together. She had decided to become a Special Agent for AFOSI (Air Force Office of Special Investigations) and worked out of the Joint Base in Hawai'i.

"All I did was introduce you. You guys did the rest all on your own." She smiled at him. They both deserved love and she was immensely happy that they had found it with each other.

"Don't be modest. I didn't even want to go on that date after what happened between me and Rose. You and the guys practically had to drag me off the bed and force me into a suit."

Laughter ensued as Lasker added, "Yeah! I remember I had to pick the lock to your apartment because you wouldn't answer the door! Smoothdog had to lift you out of the bed and plop you into the bathroom to get you to shower!"

"Oh, yeah! You guys locked me in there until I showered and brushed my teeth! That was not cool." Reeves glared at his fellow team members.

Mickey had to stifle a laugh. "Hey, it got you the girl, though."

Reeves couldn't help but this goofy smile on his face. "Yeah."

As they all erupted into laughter, they hadn't noticed Catherine's wistful smile at the mention of their former member's nickname.

It was only when Lasker glanced at her that he knew he shouldn't have brought Steve up. "I'm so sorry, Cath. I didn't mean to-"

She forced a smile, trying to seem okay. Act as if you're happy and maybe, just maybe, you might start to feel like you were, right?

She waved him off, "It's fine, David. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go." Her fingers tightened around her mug and it just reminded her of another time with Steve. He had given her the mug as a gag gift because of her love for tea, but she had fallen in love with it. It was plain white and had a cute and simple drawing of a tea bag dangling from it saying, "My Cup of Tea."

_She really had to get around to getting rid of all these triggers of nostalgia. Why shouldn't she? He had._

Suddenly, she didn't feel like drinking tea anymore. Catherine set the mug on the table and got up, the boxes of her stuff in her closet weighing on her mind.

"You've known him for almost 13 years now. You don't have to let go right away." Lasker said, his voice soft and comforting.

Catherine just nodded. "I think I'm going to go get some rest." She forced a smile, trying to make light of the situation. She knew they saw right through her façade, but she didn't care today.

"Alright," Reeves acquiesced, not wanting to push any further. He helped her into her wheelchair and waited until she got into her room to walk over to Lasker and smack him upside the head.

"Ow!" He exclaimed. "I didn't mean to say his name – it just slipped out!" Lasker rubbed the back of his head with his hand as he glared at Reeves.

"You're the one with a doctorate in psychology!"

"So?!"

Mickey gave a sigh and looked at both of them. "Let's just let her get some rest."

"We all know she's not getting rest. She's in there reminiscing about him and she's only going to end up blame herself more," Reeves replied, maneuvering around his empty chair to head into her room.

"She needs closure," Lasker called after him. Reeves turned around to face his buddy. "It's going to take a while, but she'll get it. This is something she has to do."

Reeves sighed and acquiesced. He hated seeing her hurt. She was like their little sister.

**.**

As she plopped onto her bed, the open storage closet door caught her attention. She hadn't had the energy to close it yesterday when she had ventured across the room to find something. After finding the boxes of her stuff in there, the thing she had wanted vanished from her mind. The only thought that coursed through her mind was that he had been in her house.

Digging through her things was like looking through an old scrapbook. With each thing she pulled out, a wave of memories followed. And with each memory came a sharp pain in her chest.

And when she came to the Chicago plaque that he had gotten her, she had broken down in tears.

_Almost 13 years packed into a couple of boxes._

She hung her head down, tears threatening to fall once more. With a shaky intake of breath, she willed herself to suppress the emotions.

After all they've been through the past year, there was no chance of them ever getting back together. She couldn't bank on the slim chance that they would. She had been the one to call them off this time. She had told him to move on. He did.

_You reap what you sow, right?_

Catherine let out a snort.  _Oh, the irony._

Taking another breath, she felt some of herself coming back to her. She hobbled over to her storage closet and pulled out a box. Starting with an old Annapolis shirt of his that he had left here, – she had taken it – she started to gather his things.

**.**

The past couple of weeks had brought upon numerous changes. One of them being that somehow, Ellie had been spending most of her free time in his house quite a lot. With that being said, she hadn't stayed over yet. That was something that still needed time.

Ellie had assumed that it was a SEAL thing. Though, there was an inkling of thought that he was hiding something from her.

Steve had been upstairs in the shower when the doorbell rang.

**.**

The last thing Catherine had expected to see was Ellie opening the door to his house. She was barefoot and clad in a white blouse and extra short jeans. She looked comfortable there. Not at all out of place.

Catherine figured that this was bound to have happened; it was expected. She was now Steve's girlfriend after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading! If you can catch the Rookie Blue inspired quote it there; you're awesome. If you don't, you're still awesome! Please be kind enough to leave a review! Thanks! :)
> 
> A/N: From early on, I knew that I wanted Mickey and Lasker to be a couple. It was just something that popped into my head and wouldn't release its grasp on me until I wrote it. And now I have!
> 
> A/N: The mug is actually real. Here's the link: /p/14390610/my-cup-of-tea-mug (Just search it in Google and click the Wanelo link)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 nor any of the characters. I do however own the ones that you are unfamiliar with.

_The last thing Catherine had expected to see was Ellie opening the door to his house. She was barefoot and clad in a white blouse and extra short jeans. She looked comfortable there. Not at all out of place._

_Catherine figured that this was bound to have happened; it was expected. She was now Steve's girlfriend after all._

"Oh, hi, Catherine. This is a surprise."

Catherine stuffed her hands in her pockets and just forced a smile back.

"Um, is Steve here?"

A smile cascaded onto Ellie's face.  _She must really like him._

"Yeah," she turned to look upstairs and continued, "he's in the shower. He should be just about done; he takes like these three minute showers and – well, you should know all about that being Navy and all."

Catherine let out a small half-hearted laugh in return.

Ellie's gaze landed onto her car. "That's your car?"

Catherine followed her gaze to her car and nodded with a proud smile on her face. "Yeah."

"It's beautiful. Steve has a classic too. Spends just about every bloody minute in the garage fixing it up."

Her smile reached her eyes this time, albeit it was small.

"Yeah, his father's Mercury Marquis."

Ellie nodded in response as she eyed Catherine. "Would you like to come in?" She stepped aside and gestured her arm outward towards the interior of the house that Catherine knew all too well.

She shook her head, "No, it's fine. I just ne-"

"Who's at the door?" At that moment, Steve descended down the stairs with a towel against his soaking wet hair wearing an old BUD/s shirt and shorts. His bare feet sounded softly against the creaking wood of the stairs. He stopped mid-way, surprised at Catherine's arrival. "Catherine."

She noticed the way his face became stoic, suppressing any and all emotions that were linked towards her. She also noticed the way he said her name – cold and distant. It seemed that her nickname – the one he had first made popular – was a pill too hard to swallow for him. At that thought, a sharp pain spread though her heart.

He made his way down the stairs and stepped in place next to Ellie – across from Catherine.

Before Steve could say anything, Catherine spoke, "Oh, before I forget." She reached for her back pocket and handed a partially rolled up yellow-orange colored clasp envelope towards Ellie. "These are the records you asked for."

"Perfect. Thanks." Ellie took the envelope and headed over to the couch as she browsed through her briefcase.

Catherine turned her focus on Steve's lingering gaze.

"Dr. Remmie gave you the all-clear?" Steve asked as he pointed out the lack of her wheelchair.

Catherine nodded, "Just took off the cast before I came here. Said that I was healing faster than usual." Before he could engage in anymore small talk, she asked, "Can I, um, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Surprisingly, Steve acquiesced. He gave a nod and turned towards Ellie. "I'll be just a minute."

Ellie gave a hum of reply, too preoccupied with her work.

Slipping on a pair of flip-flops and closing the door behind him, Steve followed Catherine wordlessly towards the curb. He watched as she slightly limped to the passenger's side. Opening the door, she took out a box.

He remembered when he first saw her car. He had been in awe of how spectacular it looked. An argument over the Chevrolet Corvette being one of the worst of the Corvettes had ensued. It had only made his attraction towards Catherine even stronger.

"My one regret is never being able to drive your car." A ghost of teasing smile flickered on his face.

"And you're never going to." Her voice was playful and her smile genuine, but the implication of those words left both of them silent.

Catherine handed a box to him and shrugged after he took it. "You should have your stuff back too." She went back to the passenger side of the car and took out the remaining box. "Where do you want it?"

She used her hip to close the door as she followed him towards the garage. After a few moments of silence, Steve said, "Ellie doesn't know."

"I know," she replied.

As the garage door opened, the sight of his father's Mercury Marquis with its hood propped open brought back a surge of memories. Trying to suppress them the best she could, she placed the box in a corner. It had offered her a side view of the classic car.

"Oh, my God! What happened?" She asked, taking in the rugged look of the car and the missing rims.

Steve sighed. "It's a long story."

"Then tell me the short version," she insisted.

He turned away from her as he went to place the box he was holding next to "hers". Catching a glimpse at the  _Chicago_  plaque he had gotten her, stabs of pain rushed throughout his chest. He had to clear his throat before he answered her. "Someone stole it. Turns out it was just a kid who needed the money so he could eat. His parents had both died and-"

"And you ended up not pressing charges and giving him a pass," Catherine finished for him.

He always forgot how much she really knew him.

As he turned his head to look at her, his heart lurched in his chest when he saw the proud smile she beamed at him. It was bittersweet.

The moment her gaze connected with his, her smile dropped and her head hung. He looked down at her moving fingers and watched as her fingers played with a necklace. It wasn't just any necklace; it was –

"My grandmother's necklace."

Catherine looked up from the piece of gold – it was simple and plain; a stark contrast to the jewelry of the 30s, but she had fell in love with it when he had given it to her. Her fingers ran over the gold rings of the bracelet, the sunlight catching its shine. The thin gold chain held two small rings intertwined together. The story behind it had captivated her into tears. She internally sighed. The piece of jewelry held so much significance to the both of them and over the years, it had felt like a part of her. Letting it go was so much harder than she'd expected. Letting  _him_  go – that was something she never thought she would ever have to do.

**.**

**_August 2009_ **

**_United States Naval Academy_ **

**_Annual Alumni Gala/Superintendent's Gala_ **

**_Location: Annapolis, Maryland_ **

_Every year, the Naval Academy threw a gala for available alumni to catch up with one another and to forge new connections. It so happened to coincide with the Superintendent's Gala which gathered the Superintendent, Commandant, the staff, members of Congress and Senate, the Chief of Naval Operations, and the Secretary of the Navy along with sixteen of the most promising first class (equivalent to seniors in college) midshipmen that the Naval Academy had to offer for that year. They were chosen by the Superintendent and the Commandant themselves and both Steve and Catherine had been invited as a guest in their respective years._

_They had gone around catching up with old friends and past teachers and chatted with the higher-ups all night. They had ate from the buffet and drank drinks from the open bar as they listened through speeches honoring the alumni and the sixteen students. They laughed and reminisced through old photos of the present alumni. They had both eagerly welcomed the chance of normalcy for a moment which was something they were deprived of as of late._

_The night dwindled down past midnight when Steve left his group of old friends and made his way to the open bar where Catherine nursed a glass of scotch._

_Offering her a hand, he grinned as he asked her, "Would you mind a dance?"_

_With a hearty laugh, she took it and allowed him to lead her on the dance floor. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck as his rested around her waist. They moved effortlessly in time with the slow music._

_"You okay?" He asked her._

_Catherine gave him a genuine smile and nodded, "Yeah."_

_"Then why were you sitting alone at the bar?"_

_She shrugged and rested her head against his shoulder. "Just wanted to stay away from the chatter for a little bit."_

_Steve hummed in response as he softly laid a kiss to the side of her head. Her eyes drifted close as she hummed in contentment._

_They were in a sea of other couples as the song changed from one to another._

_"This is nice." Catherine admitted, pulling away from him, but still swaying slowly to the music with him._

_"It is." He took it as a chance to flirt, "Better for me because I'm dancing with the most beautiful woman here." A classic McGarrett grin overtook his face and she couldn't help but smile back at him._

_"Flattery will get you nowhere, Commander," she teased._

_"I object profusely. Flattery got me you and I think that's more than 'nowhere.'"_

_A blush crept up towards Catherine's cheeks as she pressed a soft kiss to his lips._

_"Wanna walk around the quad?" He asked her quietly._

_"Sure." Catherine slid her arms away from his neck and towards his hand. Intertwining her hand in his, she followed him to the campus grounds they were all too familiar with._

_Hand in hand, they walked across the quad in comfortable silence. And the normalcy the moment offered gave him immense pleasure. As Steve pulled his hand away from hers as he slipped his arm across her shoulder. Bringing her closer to him, he gently kissed the side of her head._

_He lived for moments like these and reveled in the comfort it brought. This level of complete content was something he had lacked in the longest of times._

_He paused in place and glanced over at her. She currently had a worried expression on her face and he knew her next words, "Are you okay?"_

_He's been asked that same question over and over a million-plus times in his life. Though, every time she had said those three words, they were filled with such genuine concern that it made him fall in love with her even more._

Wait, what? Love. No.

Okay, he can get back to that topic later.

_He took her in and emblazoned every nuance of her into his mind. Wearing a dark blue floor-length gown, she looking absolutely stunning – as usual – and her heels lifted her from the floor a few inches, but not enough to match his height._

_"More than okay," he admitted with explicit honesty._

_Catherine opened her mouth to ask him what he meant when she saw something in his hands. Changing course, she asked him, "What's that?"_

_Steve gave her a shy smile as he silently motioned for her to turn around. She did so, revealing the naked "V" of her back._ Oh, what this dress did to him.

_He reached around her in an effort to clasp the necklace around her neck and as an excuse to plant a soothing kiss to her shoulder._

_Gathering her hair up to one side, she smiled at his increasing amount of public affection. Ever since they had gotten back together, he had been much more affectionate. When she turned back to face him, letting her hair drop in waves around her shoulders, she looked down and gently ran her fingers along the centerpiece. She gasped, "It's beautiful, Steve. But why-"_

_"It was my grandmother's."_

_Catherine's hand stilled as she looked up at him, ready to shake her head. She knew how much his grandparents meant to him – even if he had never met him. She couldn't accept something with such value._

_Before she could object, Steve took her hands in his and nodded. "I don't want you to say 'no.' I_ want _you to have it, Cath. There's no one else I'd rather give it too than you, Catherine."_

_Not even trying to hide her blush, she snaked her hands around his neck and leaned in close, a teasing whisper ghosting past his lips, "You better not."_

_Smiling into the kiss, he pulled her close to him and reveled in the moment._

_When they broke apart, her smile gave her eyes a spark of joy that made him want to bring her the moon just so she could smile forever._

_"Thank you," she said._

_Letting a moment pass between them, their gazes lingering on each other's, he started to tell her the story behind the necklace. "My grandparents weren't really a fan of wedding rings. So, my grandfather gave this to her on their wedding day," he nodded towards the centerpiece, "Those are the two rings that they were going to use as wedding rings. My grandfather had it custom made so that it linked together and could never be separated."_

_"Steve…" She trailed off, tears welling in her eyes._

_The shy smile on his face made her fall even more in love with him._

Wait. Um. Maybe we'll get back to that later.

_"Thank you, Steve. It's amazing." Catherine smiled as his thumb wiped away the tear that fell on her left cheek. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, he gently moved to cup her cheek. His left hand stood idle at the small of her back._

_"Sometimes, I wish we met while we were here," Steve admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. Everything around them suddenly came alive. The moon shone bright above them, a substantial amount of stars contrasting the darkness of the night sky. The slightest of winds gave Catherine goosebumps as it ruffled the leaves of the nearby trees._

_"Me too," she breathed._

_Noticing a slight change in demeanor, Steve broke away from her and took off his suit jacket. He hung it around her shoulders loosely._

_"Thanks," she laughed._

It was such a beautiful sound.

_Comfortable silence fell upon them, only the rustling of the leaves and the sounds of nature echoing in it. He watched as Catherine looked down at the necklace and smiled to herself._

_The incomprehensible affection he had for this woman was overwhelming. If someone had told him before that someone could make him feel in such a way, he would've had them committed to an asylum._

_It felt as if his feet moved of their own accord as he took a step towards her, leaving little room for personal space. He placed an index finger gently under her chin and lifted her head up slowly. Ever-so-softly, he connected their lips in an intimate kiss. There was no fiery passion or wandering hands, it was just them._

_Together._

_When they parted, they were still millimeters from each other. He looked down at her as she looked up, cheeks tinted pink._

_"I know we've never talked about_ us _," he started, his voice small and unsure. "But I do know that you're the most important thing in my life, Cath. No matter what we are, we'll always we connected in some way." His hand drifted down to the rings and gently grazed his fingers past the surface, coming in contact with her skin slightly._

_"I always thought of them as an infinity – forever and always."_

_As Catherine looked up at him, she saw a mass of vulnerability that he rarely ever showed. His words were so honest and in that moment, she knew that they would become so much more. Reaching up to run her hand through his hair, she smiled at him._

She nodded. "Here." The contact her fingers on his made her feel the onrush of a thousand emotions as she handed the necklace back to him.

He shook his head, "I can't take this back. It was a gift."

A small smile graced Catherine's features. "Most of the stuff I'm returning to you are gifts."

"Well, if you're going to give the others back to me, you should at least keep this one."

"I can't, Steve. It holds too much meaning. You should give it to someone you care about." Silence fell between the two of him. Her next words were spoken in a hushed whisper, her voice cracking. If the neighborhood hadn't been as quiet as it had been, he probably wouldn't have heard it. "Like Ellie."

His heart broke along with those two words. In that moment, he knew she was using all her strength to keep her emotions under control.

"Cath…"

_Why did he have to say her nickname now?_

Tears threatened to spill. She had to change the subject; she couldn't handle this sudden onset of emotions.

Clearing her throat and putting a strong façade for him, she told him, "I'm leaving."

"Wait, what?" Steve had to mentally shake his head for the brash transition.

"Um, my, um. My family needs to see that I'm okay. I'm not going to stay there forever, but it'll be a month or two before I come back. Hawai'i is my home, now. I can't just leave."

Steve felt as if the weight of the world was released off of his shoulders. She would be staying.  _She would be staying._

"When are you leaving?"

"I don't know. As soon as the immunity process is finished – probably by February." She let out a laugh, "It's funny how I was given an ultimatum by the CIA and what I chose was to protect you guys. And my choice led me to being taken by the Taliban, being held captive for six months, and being given another ultimatum. And the fact that I was tortured is the only reason why the CIA is letting me go and granting me immunity in the first place." _Okay, she was rambling now._

"Cath-"  _There was that nickname in_ that  _tone again._

Before he could even speak another word, she cut him off again, "Before I forget." Catherine made her way to the boxes that held the last physical remnants of him ever being in her house. Moving the  _Chicago_  plaque – she had taken it from  _his_ box of her stuff and put it in  _her_  box of his stuff – and ignoring the stab of pain in her chest, she picked up a white envelope with his name on it.

She turned back to him and handed it to him.

He instantly knew who it was from when he saw the messy scrawl across the body of the envelope. "My mom," he breathed.

Catherine nodded. "I was nearing unconsciousness from hypothermia when your mother found me – I almost shot her when I woke up. I had no idea why she was there or how she found me, but she started to tell me how big of a mistake I was making and how she didn't want me to end up like her, losing all the people I loved. But I told her it was something I had to do and she didn't argue. Just gave me this letter for you, gave me some essentials, and wished me good luck."

Steve didn't respond, leaving them both in silence again. Though, it seemed that he was in his own little bubble with the sudden mention of his mother.

"Okay, um, I should get going."

That had snapped him out of his reverie as he stuffed the envelope in his back pocket and returned his attention back on Catherine. "You should have this back." Steve held out the necklace towards her.

_Now, he was being stubborn._

She shook her head adamantly, "Steve, I already told you to give it to someone you care about. I'm not-"

"You're someone I care about." His voice sounded so raw and so unlike him that the urge to just kiss him was overwhelming. But she couldn't do that to Ellie. It seemed that she really like him and who was she to hurt someone that was currently doing all she could to fight for her freedom? Plus, she had brought this whole mess upon herself.

Catherine sighed and just said, "Aloha, Steve."

And just like that, his whole world crumbled around him again. Then, it occurred to him that she was slipping through his fingers once more. He couldn't let her go again, especially with her being back on the island and never more than twenty minutes away.

Ever since her return, his life had felt a bit more tangible again; as if there was a meaning to it. He felt like her return was a rope that was being thrown down to him in the rut that he'd created for himself during the past nine months.

"Catherine," he called after her. She didn't look back.

He watched as she limped towards her car, getting closer to leaving him again with each passing second.

"Did you mean what you said?"

Catherine held the handle to the driver side door as she waited for him to finish.

"Nine months ago? Because I did."

_"You're Steve McGarrett, 'smooth-dog'; ladies' man, Navy SEAL, top of your class at Annapolis, head of the Governor's task force in Hawai'i. And an all-around bad ass. You're you all on your own; you don't need me, Steve; you never have." She mustered up all the strength she could as she said those words. Letting him go was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. He had been there for the highs and lows and she had been there for his as well. But she had to do this; to protect him._

_He replied almost pleadingly,_   _"You don't seriously believe that."_

_Her heart broke as he responded. She had never heard his voice so desperate before._

_She chose not to respond and her silence just urged him on. He was desperate to convince her to stay and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't. This was for the best._ " _How can you say that? You were the thought that kept me from losing my mind while I was stuck in those god-awful places during missions – you brought me home. Your voice was the one that was in my head when I wanted to give up. You were always the one to encourage me to do my best. You were the one to console me when my father died; – you were always there – you make me who I am."_

_Her tears fell freely now. Her voice threatened to crack. She was afraid that if she spoke, her resolve would crumble. His next words only made it harder. "You're all I have Catherine – you're the only one I have. And the only one I need."_

_She had stayed silent still. Maybe if she did, he would think that she had hung up on him. That would make this so much easier. He breathed her name desperately,_   _"Cath?" She was sure she heard his voice crack, but her nickname on his lips only gave her the strength she needed to do what she had to do._

_This was to protect him. Even if it meant losing everything and everyone she loved. Even if it meant losing him._

_So, she quickly responded back, her tone more reverent this time. "I love you, Steve. With all my heart, I love you, but I can't go back. I can't go back knowing that I could change these kids' lives. Steve, you're the only one I have ever loved and as hard as this may be, I'm going to be gone for a long time. All I wish for you is your happiness, Steve. And if you can find happiness with me of all people, you can find it with someone else."_

_He sounded so taken aback when he responded. All she could do was close her eyes and let him shout at her._   _"How could you even say that?! You're the most beautiful, intelligent, courageous, and genuinely caring person I've ever met in my life, Cath. How do you think I can just replace you? You're irreplaceable, you're the love of my life, Catherine. You're-"_

_She couldn't take this anymore. If he kept on talking, she would break. That was something she couldn't let happen, so she cut him off quickly, "Aloha, Steve. Malamo Pono."_

_Catherine hung up as quickly as she could, but not before hearing him scream her name desperate. Leaning against her motorcycle, she brought her knees against her chest and buried her head in them as she silently cried. She had thought that they would have a future together, but who was she kidding? Things had been going great. She should've known that it was the calm before the brewing storm that threatened to blow their world apart._

_And now, all she left was ruins._

_She could literally feel her heart in her throat as an immense pain spread throughout her body. She wanted to live a life with him._

_She let out a strangled cry as a crisp chill hit her. It was nearing night._

_She guessed it was for the best. If they couldn't have a future together, she would make damn sure that he at least he could have a future. And he would eventually get through this like he did with everything. He would pick himself up and find happiness again. He would live a full life with the people he loved and cherished even if she wasn't one of them anymore. She would ensure that he had the life that he was deprived of as a child. She would ensure his safety because he didn't deserve to be looking over his shoulder every second of his life._

_Even if she wasn't a part of his life anymore, she would be. Only not in the way she wanted to be._

_'But that's okay,' she thought. That mantra echoed through her head until her tears finally died and enough strength returned to her to tighten her resolve. She stood up and hopped on her bike, riding off to find shelter for the night._

"If you did, I'm pretty sure you contradicted yourself when I was in the hospital."

_He had been released a couple of days ago under the orders to "take it easy" and "no extraneous activity". So, the past couple of days had consisted of him and Catherine at her hotel room doing absolutely nothing._

_Yes,_ nothing.

_It was nearly killing him._

_Because "no extraneous activity" meant no sex and that was extremely hard considering that he was always in close proximity to the woman of his dreams. And it didn't help that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen._

_Steve watched as Catherine slept, cuddled by his side. The covers were pulled up to her chin and her arm was draped around his chest._

_Slowly, he turned to his side and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear._

_He smiled involuntarily as she hummed in appreciation._

_"I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I thank God every day for putting so much trust in me to take care of his greatest creation."_

_She opened her eyes slowly as a wide smile broke out on her face._

_"Don't be overdramatic." She pushed herself off of the mattress and laid her head against his chest, her fingers slowly making indistinctive patterns on it._

_"But it's true," he simply stated as he laid a kiss on the crown of her head._

_A comfortable silence fell on both of them as the outside world slowly sprung to life._

_He was the first to break the silence, "Catherine, I-"_

_She cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say. "Don't start with me again, Steve. This is my choice." She stopped her ministrations and looked up at him. "If you were right and we end in a huge disaster, then so be it. But I don't care. I want us. And I'll fight for it, no matter what gets thrown in our way."_

_Catherine inched up to him and gently kissed him. "And not even the great Steve McGarrett can do anything about it."_

She looked back at him and even with the distance between them, he could read her like an open book. Her face was somewhat stoic and if it were anyone else, they would think that she was angry or annoyed. But just as she knew him like no one else, he knew her like no one else. And he knew exactly what she was feeling.

Indifference.

_Maybe he still had a chance._

As quickly as her face had settled into an expression of indifference, it had gone. And she was too as she slipped into her car and drove home.

Steve let out a sigh and leaned his hands against the top of the front bumper of the car, careful of the hood propped above his head. Suddenly, his front pocket felt overwhelmingly heavy.

Spinning around to lean his back against the front bumper, he reached inside his pocket to take out his grandmother's necklace when he felt a smooth, spherical object.

_The Pearl._

He twirled it in his hands for a moment and then fished his phone out from his other pocket. Scrolling over to Catherine's name in his inbox, he clicked it. His breath hitched at the last set of messages they'd sent to each other – more than a year ago.

**.**

_Catherine:_

_December 22_ _nd_ _, 2013 – 3:53pm_

**_I'm wish I could be there for Christmas. I wish I could be able to talk to you on Christmas._ **

**.**

_Steve:_

_December 22_ _nd_ _, 2013 – 3:53pm_

**_As much as I miss you and desperately want you to be here, I understand what you have to do. If not talking on Christmas is what it takes for you to come home, then so be it._ **

**_Be safe okay? And early Mele Kalikimaka, Cath._ **

**.**

_Catherine:_

_December 22_ _nd_ _, 2013 – 3:54pm_

**_I promised I would, remember?_ ** **_J_ ** **_Merry early Christmas to you too._ **

**_I love you._ **

**.**

_Steve:_

_December 22_ _nd_ _, 2013 – 3:54pm_

**_I love you more._ **

**.**

_Catherine:_

_December 22_ _nd_ _, 2013 – 3:55pm_

**_If you say so._ **

**.**

Tapping the screen of his phone effortlessly, he sent her a message and smiled – perhaps the first  _real_  one in a very long time.

**.**

_Steve:_

_January 12_ _th_ _, 2013 – 2:26pm_

**_I was right. We did end._ **

**_But not in a disaster._ **

**_And we've been through way worse. We can get past it._ **

**_I want us._ **

**_You fought for us last time. This time, it's my turn._ **

**.**

Even without her in front of him, he could see her smiling as she read it.

Steve's eyes reluctantly made its way to the door connecting the house to the garage. He sighed.

He never meant to hurt Ellie. She deserved much more than this and he should tell her before it got any worse. That was the least he could do for getting her tangled up in this mess.

Catherine was his everything. She was the only person in the world that made him feel real. She unlocked a greater (and better) version of himself. She was the reason for his happiness and his ability to hope. She showed him that being broken was okay because she would be there to pick up the pieces.

Now, he would be there to pick up her pieces.

As he headed inside with a smile on his face, an encouraging thought passed by in his mind,  _'Maybe two broken pieces can make a whole.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bonus points to whoever catches the title for one of Lea Michele's song (it's so sad. :'( )


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Enjoy~  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 nor any of the characters except my own (obviously).

_As he headed inside with a smile on his face, an encouraging thought passed by in his mind, 'Maybe two broken pieces can make a whole.'_

Stepping onto the hardwood floor of his home offered him such comfort, but his stomach dropped once he stepped into the living room. He could see her tapping her pencil against the file that Catherine had given her moments ago. She seemed to sense his presence and looked up to offer him a smile.

"Hey."

"Hi," he responded back – trying to hide the anxiety beneath his façade.

"Is everything okay with Catherine?"

"Um."  _Oh, yeah. That._ "Yeah." He pushed himself to walk towards her as he spoke, "She told me she was going to leave to be with her family after all this wraps up."

"That should be good for her. She should be with family after such a traumatic event like that."

 _We're her ohana._ I'm  _her ohana._

Steve opened his mouth to speak when Ellie spoke teasingly, "You know how you're in the Navy and stuff? I was wondering if you could help me with all this jargon. Some of it is just downright confusing."

Closing his mouth and faking a smile, he gave her a nod before coming to sit next to her and peering at the file in her hands. It was Catherine's military record.

"Okay, so can you just read it out loud for me? Like in English I can understand?" She laughed and he complied.

Reading off every accomplishment, promotion, mission detail, and even her reprimands had him reminiscing about the old days when things were less complicated.

And when they were  _together_.

They had been some of the most incredible moments of his life; just being with her. She made him feel so comfortable, safe, and at home wherever they were. Her very presence offered him a sense of security - something that didn't come very easily to him - and stability - something huge that he had lacked throughout his entire life. Every time he saw her, his heart skipped a beat and his stomach felt like scrambled eggs. She made him laugh and smile and hope and dream and just...

He inwardly sighed.

Catherine was his everything. Not even Aphrodite could compare to her in his mind.

As he came to the last line of the last page, he looked at Ellie. She was transcribing everything he was saying to her on her laptop, oblivious to the inner turmoil currently waging a war in his mind and in his heart.

_He had to get this over with. He had to tell her before things got too far and too jumbled of a mess._

Suddenly, her phone rang, violently ripping him out of his thought process.

"Ellie Clayton," she greeted.

He watched as she nodded to whatever the person on the other line was saying.

"Thank you. I got it. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

_Damn. There goes his chance._

She looked at him apologetically, "I'm sorry. I have to cancel our dinner plans. Duty calls."

What did she have to apologize for? He should've been the one apologizing for leading her on; for not telling her in was in love with someone else.

"It's okay." Another fake smile etched across his face. "We can do dinner some other time."

Smiling, she gave him a brief kiss before packing up her things and heading for the door.

"I'll call you later, okay?"

Steve nodded.

She walked out.

Steve fell back onto the couch with a huff as soon as she had closed the door.

_Things were now more than a jumbled mess, alright._

**.**

A few days had passed after their last encounter when Catherine received a call to come to the Federal Prosecutor's office to recount the details of her capture by Ellie.

So, here she was, sitting in her ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend's office ready to tell the most horrific and traumatic event of her life.

"So, just speak?" Catherine asked, fiddling with her fingers underneath the table.

Ellie nodded. "Just talk to me comfortably. Tell me of what happened. The camera's going to be recording the whole thing. I'll ask a few questions to get you started off and for my records."

Catherine nodded back, taking a sip of water from the glass in front of her.

"Please tell me your full name."

"Catherine Michelle Rollins."

"What's your date of birth?"

"August 19th, 1978"

"And your occupation?"

"Former Navy Intelligence Officer and Navy Lieutenant, former employee for the Five-0 taskforce in Hawaii, and currently, an operative for the Central Intelligence Agency."

"And why are you here today?"

Catherine took a breath. "To recount the events of my capture by the Taliban."

Ellie nodded as she looked up from her notepad. "Tell me why you were in Afghanistan."

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I hope you enjoy~  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of their characters.

_"And why are you here today?"_

_Catherine took a breath. "To recount the events of my capture by the Taliban."_

_Ellie nodded as she looked up from her notepad. "Tell me why you were in Afghanistan."_

She hesitated for a moment. Why had she been there? Even the CIA didn't know why she had been there in the first place. Not really, anyways.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had always hated being in front of the camera.

Just then, a knock on the door resounded. Catherine looked up at the entrance to see Keegan standing by the door, folder in hand, and suit impeccable as always. She gave him a small smile in greeting.

He sat down next to Ellie and asked, "Sorry, I'm late. Where are we?"

"She was just about to tell me why she was in Afghanistan."

Keegan nodded and looked at her expectedly. He knew that she was withholding that piece of information from them, but since the fine print didn't really affect the whole situation, he had let it go. He still wondered, though.

"I was helping out a friend," she said vaguely.

Ellie looked at Keegan and he gave her a slight, albeit restrained nod. She proceeded, "In a previous statement, you told the CIA that you were there alone and of your own accord. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

Keegan spoke up, sifting through the papers of his folder, "Incidentally, during your supposed time there, a Lieutenant Commander Steven McGarrett of the US Navy Reserve was rescued by a SEAL team while in captivity. You both served together and it is accounted for on numerous occasions that you two were acquainted with one another. Was he in any way connected with your personal agenda in Afghanistan?"

Ellie looked at Keegan at the mention of Steve's name; surprise, curiosity, and horror etched across her features. She turned her head quickly towards Catherine.

She willed her poker face to show, masking the intense range of emotions she was currently feeling. It all came back to her in a blur.

Steve calling out to her to save the kids and not worry about him.  _How could she not?_

The truck; his battered and huddled body. Every time she saw a truck, she thought of that moment. Even his own pick-up.

The rush to save him.

Finding out he was okay.

Having to tell him that she had decided to leave – the pain of not being there when he was hurt almost killing her.

The moment he had told her – for the first time – that he had loved her. Her heart had exploded in her chest, feelings bubbling to the surface.  _"I love you, you know."_ Of course she had known – _How could she not?_ \- but hearing the words? It evoked something in her that she couldn't even describe.

Catherine shrugged, acting nonchalantly. "You should ask him. It was probably a coincidence. I was there by myself."

Not believing her, Keegan added, "A representative had talked to Commander McGarrett and he had told us that he was hazy on the details because of the number they inflicted on him. We were just hoping that you could clarify."

"Is there a question there?" She asked, her voice suddenly cold and distant.

"Yes," he made direct eye contact with her. "Were you there in Afghanistan on your own?"

She kept the eye contact, not daring to look away even for a moment. She took a moment to answer, recalling her training as if this an interrogation by an enemy. Then, ever-so-calmly, she responded, "Of my own knowledge? I was. Alone."

Keegan held her gaze for a few beats, searching her eyes for any signs of deception until he pulled back and nodded. She knew that he still didn't believe her, but she still had to do everything she could to protect him.

Returning back to Ellie, she waited for the next question. Watching as she was trying to regain her composure by clearing her throat and pretending to look through papers, her mind wandered back to the texts she had received from him. Yes, it had made her smile, knowing that there was still a chance at  _them_ , but Ellie was a good woman. She was sincere, unsuspecting, and clearly held intense feelings for Steve. Catherine hated hurting people and knew that it wasn't directly her fault, but it still made her feel bad for the federal prosecutor.

"Um. What-what happened in Afghanistan? How did you get involved with the CIA?" Ellie forced herself to look at Catherine.

"The CIA caught up with what I was doing and they knew of me. In exchange for protection of…" Catherine trailed off, wondering how to respond to her question truthfully without implicating Najib and his mother. Her heart still ached for the father he had lost – he had recovered fine, but the infection had ravaged his body; it had been too late once they realized what was going on. "An asset," she chose.

"They offered me a position as an operative or a consultant – whatever you want to call it – and I took it."

"And can you tell me the events leading up to your capture?"

"I, um, I was surveilling a possible cell. It was a compound held by a faction of the Taliban. Everything had been going fine and then all I remember after that was that I woke up being tied to a chair." She had been so close. That cell had marked the last of the ones in her agreement with the CIA. If things had gone smoothly, she would probably be working on a case with Five-0 right now, her relationship with Steve stronger than ever before. But things hadn't. And now, she was here, in a deposition by Steve's new girlfriend, recanting the most horrible moment in her life.

"And can you tell me what you remember about your capture?"

She was ravaged by memories she had tried so desperately to suppress. The words she was trying to speak were caught in her throat. She stammered a little before gathering all her strength to focus.  _Just focus. Breathe._

"I was held in a compound by the Taliban for the first few days where they questioned and interrogated me, often using methods of torture and beatings. I held onto the American journalist act until they caught on. Um, I couldn't understand all that they were saying, but some small bits and pieces registered into my mind. Th-they moved me constantly – kept on going with the torture and beatings – and then one day I found out that the real reason that they were keeping me alive – they, um, knew who I was and who I was affiliated to. They must've had a mole within the CIA or something because the next day or something – I really didn't have any orientation of time – I was being dragged to a room where a guy I've never seen before started showing me pictures of my friends and family and the asset I was protecting. He threatened that if… if I didn't tell them what I knew – what the CIA knew – then they would hurt them. But I knew that the CIA was keeping them under watch by multiple agents per my agreement, so I kept quiet. It was only after I was rescued that I knew I had been there for six months. It felt like forever."

The whole room was quiet after she finished, the last words were soft-spoken as it was a secret to be kept hidden. The only sound was the outside world, blocked by the windows and concrete of the government office building.

**.**

An hour of clarifications and answering more questions later, the deposition was finally over. Regardless, Catherine just sat there. Camera turned off and dismantled, papers being neatly organized and being stored away in file folders; none of it registered to her. She had been shoving the memories of being held captive and the trauma that came along with it to the back of her mind. She hadn't even thought about it when she came back to Hawai'i – she had done her best not to. But now, acknowledging the events that happened had opened floodgates – and they weren't closing, no matter how hard she tried to close them.

She told them about everything that was pertinent to her immunity process.

However, she didn't tell them about the part when she was blind.

She didn't tell them about how she lost hope after that.

She didn't tell them about how she had been ready for death.

She didn't tell them about how every time they would drag her back to that chair, memories of her family and friends raced through her mind.

And she certainly didn't tell them about how every time they would throw her back into her small windowless room that she wished for Steve to be there – to rescue her. She didn't tell them that she had started to hear his voice when she had been on the brink of death before they pulled her back to reality. She didn't tell them that during the last few whatevers that she had started to think that he wasn't even searching for her; she questioned if he even knew she was missing –  _He must think I abandoned him._

She was so lost in thought that she hadn't even noticed that Keegan left. Or that Ellie was calling her name to get her attention. She only found herself back to reality when a soft hand rested against her shoulder.

Startled, Catherine jerked up to look at the Australian woman. Ellie gave her a gentle smile.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. We're done. It's just paperwork now. Your part is over for now."

Catherine nodded stiffly and moved to stand up, her gaze still far away.

Noticing her unusual demeanor, Ellie stood up and called after her, "Catherine." She turned around. "Wanna get a couple of beers? I own a pub a short car ride from here. It's been a long day. They're on me."

Catherine's smile was strained and it didn't quite reach her eyes, but she nonetheless nodded. She could use some alcohol right now.

 _Lots_  of alcohol.

**.**

They were seated in a booth tucked in the corner of the quaint pub. Ellie nursed a beer in her hand as she sat across from Catherine, watching as she downed her second glass of scotch - the best that they served. Ellie motioned for the bartender – Paul – for another. If anyone deserved alcohol, it was Catherine.

"You own a pub, huh?" It seemed that the alcohol ebbed a teeny bit of the tension from her as the small smile on her face seemed somewhat real.

Ellie nodded and took a sip of her beer. "It was my dad's. He passed away when I was a teenager."

Catherine's face turned solemn. "I'm sorry."

Ellie shook her head. "It was a long time ago. I've made my peace with it."

Catherine nodded at her as she gave her thanks to the bartender that brought her another glass. "Thank you for this. I needed it."

"No problem. It was the least I could do."

A laugh resounded from the former naval officer. "You're already helping me with the whole immunity from the CIA thing."

Ellie shrugged. "A wise man once told me that there is no limitation to helping those in need of it – even when they're not willing to accept it."

"Who told you that?" She lifted the cool glass onto her lips and relished the fire it set when the amber liquid touched her tongue.

"John McGarrett."

 _That_  caught Catherine's attention.

"You knew Steve's father?"

Ellie nodded. "He was the responding officer to my father's murder." She gave a small smile of nostalgia when she continued, "He was like my second father. He made sure I was okay every now and then." A moment of silence. "He was a good man."

Now Catherine really felt that she didn't deserve Steve. Ellie and Steve shared a connection – a strong one too. She could never give him something like that. Steve deserved to be happy. Being with her would just cause problems. She knew that and as hard as it was, she accepted it.

"This must be hard for you." Ellie spoke.

Catherine looked up at her. After a beat, she shrugged in meek response. She watched as Ellie analyzed her and she never wished for the power to read minds more than this moment.

"Off the record, can I ask you something?" She took a gulp from her bottle.

"Sure."

"Why did you join the CIA if you hate it so much?"

"Join would imply wanting to." Ellie waited for Catherine to continue. Catherine was suddenly focused on her glass. She traced her thumb over the glass' edge, drops of alcohol pooling on the pad of her thumb. "They gave me an ultimatum. Go to jail for life and make the people I love look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives or work for the CIA and protect about the people I cared about most. Even if it meant hurting them, ending up resenting me or not being able to tell them." She took a gulp of her scotch. "Irony in its finest." Catherine's voice was acidic and cold, rage pooling inside of her towards the government she once – numerous times, actually – put her life down for.

"That's a bad hand you've been dealt."

"Tell me about it."  _Losing everything and everyone I loved to protect them. A chance at happiness; a real life? Gone._

Catherine downed the rest of the liquid courage and leaned back against the leather seats. The hand she'd been dealt was pure an utter shit. Even bluffing wouldn't help her win. And she was a damn good poker player.

"Want another?" Ellie asked.

Ellie was a nice enough woman, but there was a nagging suspicion that there was a double prerogative for this drinking session. But she didn't care. She really didn't anymore. About anything. Catherine nodded and watched as the lawyer signaled for another glass and another bottle of beer for herself.

Mickey, Lasker, and Reeves were probably parked right outside anyways. She looked towards the window. The outline of a black SUV stood in the distance, its inhabitants giving her a slight nod.  _'Predictable,"_ she thought, but smiled nonetheless.

The words came out of her mouth before she even had a chance to process them. "How long have you and Steve been dating?" She regretted it the moment she uttered the first syllable. But there was no turning back now.

Ellie smiled – a genuine one. Catherine's heart ached for the love she lost. "Almost four months."

Catherine smiled back. It was fake, but Ellie couldn't tell that.

"What about you?"

Paul brought the drinks over.

She panicked for a moment. Had Ellie found out about her and Steve's history? She was intuitive and a lawyer, after all. She must know. Or she's just being really ignorant about it.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you dating anyone?"

"Oh." She took a breath.  _Calm down._  And then shook her head. "No."

She took a gulp.

"Being held captive for six months doesn't really help in that department," she sarcastically remarked.

Ellie managed to laugh at the crude humor.

A  _very_  long moment filled with awkward silence passed before Ellie sighed. Catherine felt the first wave of tipsiness come over her. Being devoid of alcohol for over a year had weakened her rather usually high tolerance.

"He went with you didn't he?" Ellie finally acquiesced to the thing she denied for so long. When Catherine didn't answer, she asked again, "To Afghanistan. He went with you, didn't he?"

"I told you. I went alone," she did her best to sound convincing, "Steve being there was totally-"

She interrupted, "Could you spare me the pity speech and just tell me? I promise you it won't go into the record or anything. I'm not recording this. I'm not that vengeful." Catherine noticed how Ellie tightened her grip on her bottle.

"I shouldn't be the one to tell you about-" Catherine started.

Ellie cut her off once again, "How long?" She looked up, sadness in her eyes.

Catherine sighed. She let a few moments pass to stare at the swish and swash of the amber liquid currently in her glass. Ellie deserved to know. She was innocent – just caught in the crossfire of their relationship.

Trying one more time to digress, she spoke, "You shouldn't hear it from me, Steve-"

"Please. I need to know." Catherine looked up. Ellie had tears in her eyes, her voice had been shaky.

She finally relented, looking directly into her eyes. She straightened her back and spoke confidently. Ellie didn't deserve to be hurt. "I've known him for about twelve years. A year after we met, we started doing whatever the hell we were doing." Their relationship was always one of uncertainty and labels weren't something they used – much to her chagrin. They weren't technically exclusive, but they…were. "Three years later, we broke it off. Close to a year after that, we got back "together" again. And it seems long, but with deployments and missions separating us every few months or longer, there wasn't really much time for an actual relationship."

Ellie had to take a moment to digest everything. She hadn't been expecting something of this magnitude. "Ten years." She said it softly, as if, if she had spoken any louder, she would break.

"Nine, if you include this past year."

Ellie looked up at Catherine. She was doing everything she could not to let a tear out. "Thank you for telling me. I always knew there was more to your relationship with him from the moment you said his name in the video. I guess I just fooled myself into believing in maybes."

Catherine stayed quiet for a long while. The silence stretched out for a long time between the two ladies. The only thing genuine she could come up to say was, "I'm sorry."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. I didn't really have any inspiration for this fic seeing as H50 wasn't fun anymore. That is, until Catherine came back. YES! Who else squealed in joy when she did?! I can't believe they just left us like that. Without Kono and Adam's wedding happening!
> 
> Anyways, here's where I shamelessly plug my other story. It was something I wrote when I couldn't find any ideas for this one. (Yes, it's McRoll.)
> 
> I hope you enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Hawaii Five-0 that are mentioned in this fic, except for Mickey, Lasker, and Reeves.

_Steve,_

_I've been gone for a very long time and I might be gone for much longer. There's certain secrets I have to keep. But I don't know how long it will be until by reservoir of luck runs out, but I know it's going to be soon. I wish we had more time. I wish we had done things differently, but I don't regret any of it. Except maybe this. But I have to do this. I_ have _to protect our ohana and I_ have  _to protect you. I hope you can forgive me one day and if you're reading this…_

_I love you. Goodbye._

Steve sat on one of the Adirondack chairs that decorated his back porch as he looked out onto the horizon, night had fallen and the moon's reflection on the water, illuminated his private beach. He held a letter in his hands – not his mother's, he would save that for another time. His former brothers in arms had dropped off this letter they had found in her personal effects she had had on her when she was rescued. The envelope had been torn and stained with blood, but the letter was fairly intact, enough for him to be able to read it. It looked as if it was written hastily, the messy scrawl contrasting from her usually neat handwriting. His thumb ran over the crinkled circles and smudged ink where he assumed her tears had fallen.

The bright side, he surmised, would have to be that he knew she was still alive while he was reading this. And the thought of her gone without so much of a chance to say goodbye to her devastated him.

He had spent the whole day just pacing back and forth anxiously, trying to figure out what to say to Ellie. That is until Mickey, Lasker, and Reeves came over. And now, with the letter and the necklace in his hands, his decision was even more fermented. But, to execute that decision was so much harder to accomplish.

He heard the door to the front entrance close shut and he knew it was now or never. Pocketing the necklace and tucking the letter safely in one of his many pockets of his cargo pants, he bravely walked towards the living room.

He hadn't seen Ellie in a couple of days because she was too consumed at work, but he had managed to get her here so that they could talk.

"Ellie?" He called out. As he entered the living room, he found her sitting on the couch, eyes red-rimmed and hurt etched into her features. Sighing, he took a seat on the couch next to her. "You know, don't you?"

She gave a slight nod. "I was with Catherine after her deposition. I told her to tell me. I needed to know."

He bowed his head, "I should've told you. I'm sorry."

Taking a breath, she looked up at the ceiling, "I should've known. Maybe my subconscious knew, but I chose to block out all the warning signs."

Steve looked at her, "It's not your fault. It's mine. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't know this was going to happen. If I did, maybe I would've done things differently. Maybe you would've been spared from this hurt."

Sniffling, she nodded, "Yeah, me too."

"I'm sorry, Ellie," he apologized. "I'm so sorry."

**.**

"Is Catherine here?" Steve was greeted with the sight of his former team as he stood on the doorway to Catherine's home.

Mickey gave a little smile, "Yeah she's just in her room." He stepped aside to let him enter.

Lasker gave a comforting pat to his back as he said, "We'll leave you two alone." He pulled Reeves and Mickey out of the house with him, closing the door shut.

"Who's at the door?" Catherine's voice drifted into the room as she stepped out from her bedroom. "Steve," she breathed. "Um, wha-what are you doing here?"

He didn't respond to her, so they stood like that in the silence for a few moments. He watched her as she shifted uncomfortably in her spot.

"Erm, would you like some tea? I have green tea and I know that's your favorite, so I could make it for you if you wa-"

He let himself smile as she rambled on. Taking out the letter, he cut her off, "The boys came over yesterday and gave me this." He stepped forward and shrugged, "I guess they saw it in your personal affects and thought it would be best if they gave it to me. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted, but I mean it was addressed to me, so I guess that's what they assumed…" He trailed off, noticing that she was reaching for the letter.

"I'm really glad you didn't die."

Her laugh was gravelly as she took the small piece of paper from his hands. "Yeah, me too." She froze as he wiped away the tears that were now flowing freely from her eyes.  _She was so much stronger than this._

She had no idea why she was crying. Maybe because she finally addressed her capture and torture, the floodgates of emotion had opened. Months of keeping her problems inside had finally found their way to the surface.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm even crying…" She placed the letter on an end table next to her couch as she wiped the tears on her cheeks with her hand.

Following her movement, he was silent behind her. Her back was towards him as she wiped away more tears. He came out from behind her and stood in front of her, encasing her in a hug. Her arms found their way around his body before she even registered it. She had missed the feeling of being ensconced in his arms.

"Don't be sorry. Ever. If you need to cry, cry until you can't cry anymore. If you need to scream, scream as loud and as much as you can until your throat is sore. If you just need someone, I'll be here."

He held her tighter and kissed the side of her head. The small and familiar action let open the rest of the floodgates. "I missed you," her voice cracked. "I missed you so much."

He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes, finally content. "I missed you too. You don't know just how much I missed you."

This time, she held him tighter, her head resting on his chest, listening to the slightly-faster-than-normal heartbeat. "It was so bad."

"I know," he said encouragingly. He had been in her shoes far too many times before and she had been the one to pick up the pieces. And he had been to catch her every time she fell too. And he would be here this time too. "So cry. And scream and yell and laugh and everything else. I'll be right here. Everything won't be okay for a long time, but I'll be right here and we can work on it together."

He nodded against his chest. "I have this feeling that I'll be having a nightmare tonight," she admitted.

He pulled back to look at her, "You haven't had one nightmare?" She shook her head. Even he had nightmares. Of losing her.

"Cath..."

"I know."

He pulled her in for another hug. "Then, I'll be there to wake you up from your nightmares too. Just like always."

A long moment of comfortable silence and her sniffles filled the room before she pulled away from her, wiping her tears on the sleeves of her sweater. "I'm guessing this means that you broke up with Ellie."

"I did," he nodded. "It was wrong for me to lead her on like that." She nodded in response.

"Sorry about your shirt."

He looked down at his shirt, now wet with her tears. He chuckled, "It's okay. I can always buy a new one."

"So what do we do now?" She asked, her voice quiet.

"We live. We live knowing that we'll always be there for one another."

She laughed at him, "When did you become so cliché?"

Steve shrugged. "I don't know," he smiled at her teasing. He reached into his pocket and moved closer towards her. "I have another one, if you don't mind." He walked behind her and parted her hair, allowing him to clasp the necklace around her neck.

Smiling, she turned back to face him, her hand tracing the familiar outline of the necklace.

"Right where it belongs," he breathed.

She smiled at him lovingly, but in an instant, it turned into a grin. "All these clichés are making my head hurt." She walked away from him, heading towards the bedroom, acting as if she was fed up with him.

"What? I'm trying to be sentimental here!" He retorted back, his smile still in place.

"This isn't a fairytale, McGarrett!" She teased back, still walking away from him.

A second later, he pulled her flush towards him and in his best husky voice, he said, "It's our fairytale."

Cringing, she looked at him, "You did not."

He nodded, keeping his serious face as he leaned towards her, "I just did."

She laughed out loud at his acting, "I can't believe you just did. Oh my God, what am I getting into? I should just-"

Her next words were swallowed down as his lips pressed firmly against hers, sending chills down her spine. She had missed this feeling for the longest time. She pressed back, memorizing every curve and line of his mouth. Her teeth gently scraped his lower lip as she embraced him tighter.

When they parted, lips swollen and cheeks pink, she searched his eyes. "What happens next?"

He closed the door behind them with his free hand and walked them backwards towards her bed. "Now, we make up for lost time." He grinned devilishly at her and she grinned back, capturing his lips with hers again. She could get used to his clichés.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading! I didn't really see it ending here, but it just sort of happened. Thank you so much for the lovely reviews and support that you have given me for this fic thus far and if you don't mind writing another review... Well, you know how that story goes.
> 
> Thanks so much, again!
> 
> P.S: Oh, see how many NCIS:LA references can you catch?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Please a leave a review/critique; it would mean a lot!


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